all-encompassingly

in a move that most are calling “unsurprising”, al-qaeda, the world’s foremost terror and death cult, and al-jazeera, the 24-hour beheading channel, today announced a merger that analysts expect to benefit the arab world for years to come.

al-qaeda has been looking to consolidate its propaganda and unfounded lies departments with a viable communication vehicle. al-jazeera’s television and internet divisions will be a welcome addition to the al-qaeda family.

al-jazeera is expected to enjoy a much-needed popularity boost among it’s viewers. having long been accused of being “a puppet outfit of al-qaeda, much like prime minister allawi is a puppet of the american imperialists”, al-jazeera will now enjoy the status of a legitimate arm of the al-qaeda organization.

western contributors are likely to include the likes of michael moore, sean penn, barbara streisand, and al franken. keith olbermann was in consideration for a nightly show until executives began to suspect he is a jew, and the offer was withdrawn. olbermann said he took no offense, saying specifically, “no, i’m not offended. look, i’m an enlightened intellectual. i don’t need to prop myself up with religious nonsense. i will continue to support any group that is anti-american, regardless of its other positions.”

when asked if the break in beheading coverage would demoralize al-jazeera’s viewing audience, an executive for the respected news group answered, “of course not. we’ll be working with the religious freedom fighters to streamline the whole beheading process–the wailing, the threats, the invocations of the name of allah, and the actual hacking itself–to make things go as quickly as they need to go. i assure you that you’ll be seeing more beheadings–not less.”

UPDATE–breaking news: DUBAI (AFP) - Iraqi Defence Minister Hazem Shaalan branded the popular Arabic-language satellite television Al-Jazeera a “channel of terrorism”, in a newspaper interview.

That brought a sharp reaction from the broadcaster, which expressed its “utter outrage” at what it said was an “unsubstantiated allegation”.

“Al-Jazeera is a channel of terrorism. That is clear and we say openly and without hesitation: Al-Jazeera is a channel of terrorism,” Shaalan was quoted by the London-based Arabic newspaper Asharq Al-Awsat as saying.

The Qatar-based station, which has been banned from reporting in Iraq since early August, has frequently been accused by US and Iraqi authorities of inciting violence by screening “exclusive” videotapes from Islamic militants, including Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.

Despite the ban, the 24-hour news channel is often first to announce breaking news from the war-ravaged country, including kidnappings and beheadings of foreign hostages as well as statements from militant groups.

Shaalan charged that Iraqi “terrorist” Omar Hadeed, who he alleged has links to Al-Qaeda, is a brother of Al-Jazeera’s office director in Iraq, Hamed Hadeed.

He also said the journalist was receiving videos showing beheadings in the restive Iraqi city of Fallujah from his brother.

Al-Jazeera has denied that its Iraq director has any relationship with Omar Hadeed.

Asharq Al-Awsat reported on Friday that Omar Hadeed is a former bodyguard of Saddam Hussein and a top aide to Iraq’s most wanted man, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, and that he led the battle against US and Iraqi forces in Fallujah.

“We consider him a terrorist for attacking and killing national guard forces as well as multinational forces,” said Shaalan.

Some 10,000 US troops, backed by 2,000 Iraqi forces, launched an assault on Fallujah on November 8 to wrest control of the city from rebels.

“Let God curse all those who terrorise Iraqi citizens and children of Iraq, be they journalists or others. The day will come when we will take (measures) against Al-Jazeera other than by words,” the minister warned.

He said the channel continues to operate in Iraq “secretly, in contravention of the law.”

In its response Tuesday, Al-Jazeera expressed its “deep concern about these allegations that are tantamount to inciting violence against the channel’s employees.

“Consequently, the channel has initiated a process in which these claims are looked at from a legal perspective, with a view to ensuring the safety of its people, in addition to safeguarding its reputation.

“While Al-Jazeera channel is dismayed with this smear campaign, it nevertheless asserts that the only judge of its professional integrity is the millions of people around the world who look upon it as the news source of choice. [via LGF]