all-encompassingly

best news article EVER

i recently found an article tacked to my cork board that i had ripped out of the daily universe back in october 2002. you know it means a lot to me because it survived 5 moves. here it is; i've bolded my favorite parts.

Around 10:30, James Norlem, 23, a junior majoring in Theater and Media Arts, from Omaha, Neb., was walking down Wilkinson Way, heading toward the Tanner Building on a work errand, when he saw a male on rollerblades, said university police information specialist, Greg Barber.

"My husband and I don't like seeing people on campus blatantly disobeying rules and laws," said James' wife, Casey Norlem, 22, a junior majoring in pre-home economics, from Farmington, N.M.

James Norlem approached the man to inform him that rollerblading is not allowed on campus.

"James, out of courtesy, told him it was against the law to save him from a $300 fine," Casey Norlem said.

When the man responded rudely to Norlem and proceeded to leave, Norlem ran after the man and grabbed his backpack. The skater then did a 360 on his blades, and pushed Norlem, throwing him to the ground, said Casey Norlem. The skater fled the scene and not been identified.

Eyewitness Saia Uluave, 22, a sophomore majoring in pre-management, from Provo, Utah County, was sitting on the west side of the Bookstore when the incident occurred. He said he did not think the rollerblader caused Norlem's fall.

Norlem broke his femur and chipped a part of his knee, Casey Norlem said.

She said because of the type of break, Norlem will have to undergo surgery and have pins placed in his bone, after which he will be in a lower-body cast for several weeks. She also said he will not be fully recovered for five to six months.

"It makes me angry that one student decides to not follow the rules and my husband decides to do something about it and now he's going to be in pain and out of function for months," she said.

James Norlem said in the future, he will not try to follow rule-breakers, but rather just get a better description and turn them in later. [out of "courtesy", right, james?)

"Any citizen has the right, when they see a crime occurring, to apprehend or detain the person and turn them over to law enforcement so they can be dealt with appropriately," Barber said.

If the suspect is apprehended, he will be cited in court for a minor offense, similar to a speeding ticket, Barber said.

Casey Norlem said she thinks it is pathetic that a student would purposely break a law, and furthermore, that he did not care that he injured her husband. [link]

i was going to provide a point-by-point fisking of this exhibition of utter stupidity by both the norlems and the reporter, (and even the university police guy who recommended that the norlems tackle and subdue any future "rule or law" breaking recreationists until proper authorities can be procured to deal with them) but the article is just too hilarious, too filled with crap, and too unreal. every single thing that casey norlem breathlessly claims is refuted by eyewitnesses or the laws of probability. that is why this is, indubitably, the best news article ever.