March 03, 2005

Jon Stewart - Cautiously Optimistic; Nancy Soderberg - Hoping For the Worst

If you want to enter the twilight zone of liberal foriegn policy wonkery, watch the six minute clip of Jon Stewart interviewing Nancy Soderberg, author of The Superpower Myth: The Use and Misuse of American Might.

Favorite quotes (courtesy James Taranto):

Stewart: He's gonna be a great--pretty soon, Republicans are gonna be like, "Reagan was nothing compared to this guy." Like, my kid's gonna go to a high school named after him, I just know it.

Soderberg: Well, there's still Iran and North Korea, don't forget. There's hope for the rest of us.

---------------------

Soderberg: There's always hope that this might not work.

Amazing stuff...

I love how the bulk of the segment was devoted to debunking the premise of the book, namely that American might has been misused by the Bush administration.

Watch the video here, click on the Nancy Soderberg clip.

Posted by doug at 12:18 AM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

February 19, 2005

audio: napoleon dynamite soundboard featuring napoleon and pedro quotes

hear your favorite napoleon dynamite quotes in soundbyte audio form at albinoblacksheep.com. there's a napoleon dynamite soundboard and a pedro sanchez soundboard.

tip of the hat to mason.

Posted by travis at 11:16 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

February 12, 2005

Another Karl Rove Coup?

Every Republican's favorite Democrat was officially elected DNC Chair.

dean_dnc.jpg

Posted by doug at 11:16 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

February 09, 2005

Where have we been?

Ice fishing in Alaska of course!

If no movie appears, click here to download Macromedia Flash Player 7.

Posted by doug at 11:09 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 04, 2005

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Just when you think that the United States was as litigious as possible, you read something like this:

Two teenage girls decided one summer's evening to skip a dance where there might be cursing and drinking to stay home and bake cookies for their neighbors.

Big mistake.

They were sued, successfully, for an unauthorized cookie drop on one porch.

The July 31 deliveries consisted of half a dozen chocolate-chip and sugar cookies accompanied by big hearts cut out of red or pink construction paper with the message: "Have a great night."

...

Inside one of the nine scattered rural homes south of Durango that got cookies that night, a 49-year-old woman became so terrified by the knocks on her door around 10:30 p.m. that she called the sheriff's department. Deputies determined that no crime had been committed.

But Wanita Renea Young ended up in the hospital emergency room the next day after suffering a severe anxiety attack she thought might be a heart attack.

But it even gets more ridiculous:
The girls wrote letters of apology to Young. Taylor's letter, written a few days after the episode, said in part: "I didn't realize this would cause trouble for you. ... I just wanted you to know that someone cared about you and your family."

The families had offered to pay Young's medical bills if she would agree to indemnify the families against future claims.

Young wouldn't sign the agreement. She said the families' apologies rang false and weren't delivered in person. The matter went to court.

Young said she believes that the girls should not have been running from door to door late at night.

"Something bad could have happened to them," she said.

[source]

Something bad....yeah, like getting sued!

Posted by doug at 11:56 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

January 27, 2005

Only Because I'm Blonde Too...

Another joke from everyone's favorite genre of humor.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Posted by doug at 09:07 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Grocery Ads for the Mathematically Challenged

cookiesale.jpg

As they say, you just can't make this stuff up.

This ad is courtesy of Smith's, a grocery store here in Provo, Utah.

Perhaps there were complaints from some Provo High students as to the confusing price structure of 10 cent cookies.

Those pesky decimal points are so hard to move around!















Posted by doug at 10:24 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

January 24, 2005

Steve Ballmer Plugs Windows 1.0

Here's a funny video of current Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer back in the 1980's pitching Windows 1.0

Although not aired on TV apparently, it was made for Microsoft employees.

If no movie appears, click here to download Macromedia Flash Player 7.

Many thanks go to the Spanish blog tintachina for providing this code to bloggers everywhere.

Posted by doug at 11:51 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

January 20, 2005

a petition won't stop ashlee, but it's fun

a petition won't stop ashlee if there are enough 13 year olds still watching her show and buying her CDs to make the ashlee simpson juggernaut profitable. however, signing the petition may show the snake oil salesmen (geffen records execs and simpson's father) that they need to stop forcing her upon us elsewhere--like SNL and the orange bowl.

the site, stopashlee.com has become quite popular; i added my signature to the petition a few minutes ago and mine was signature number 120,195. i wrote:

"your shameless promotion of ashlee simpson is an insult to every artist that has to earn his or her own success."

other notable comments include, "burn her", "please think of the children", and "There should be a petition to sterilize Joe Simpson."

view the signatures, or sign the petition.

if you are not up to speed on the ashlee fiasco, watch the SNL lip-sinc video and the orange bowl live vocals video.

Posted by travis at 08:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

napoleon dynamite quotes, letterman top ten video

IMDB has a list of memorable quotes from napoleon dynamite. my favorite interactions in the movie are between (1) napoleon and uncle rico (2) kip and anyone (3) uncle rico and steak. the following is an example of 1 & 3:

Napoleon Dynamite: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything.
Napoleon Dynamite: Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.
Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property!
Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.
Uncle Rico: Well then do it! Go on!
Napoleon Dynamite: Maybe I will, GOSH!

we are still hosting the video clip of jon heder in character as napoleon reading the late show's "top ten signs you're not the most popular guy in your high school". download or stream the video here. and we continue to recommend--quite vigorously--that everyone purchase the DVD.

Posted by travis at 02:46 AM | Comments (66) | TrackBack

January 18, 2005

When a Japanese baby is born....

This is our first (of many!) video posts. This is an ad produced in Australia, showing the birth of the average Japanese baby.

Just press play, and enjoy!

If no movie appears, click here to download Macromedia Flash Player 7.

Many thanks go to the Spanish blog tintachina for providing this code to bloggers everywhere.

Posted by doug at 03:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

mark cuban on randy moss' "fake-moon"

like most sane, normal people, i imagined the worst when ESPN sportscenter wouldn't even show randy moss' "tasteless" touchdown celebration the morning after minnesota beat green bay last week. i can't remember exactly, but i think one anchor might have said, "randy has finally gone over the edge" or something to that effect.

"did he slaughter a calf in the endzone? perform a clintonesque act on the packers mascot? it must have been something positively scandalous!", i thought.

since it was "too obscene" for TV, i could only read about it online. WHERE I LEARNED IT WAS A "FAKE-MOON" (in other words, it was FAKE!).

later, i saw the video. it was DEFINITELY a fake moon, lasting all of, oh, half-a-second. no nudity. no dead livestock. the TV announcer for the game, fox's joe buck, called the celebration, "disgusting" and said, he was "shocked that we aired it live."

naturally, the NFL fined moss $10,000 (they must have taken note of all the sports anchors fainting).

it makes me wonder if these people have ever ridden on a school bus before.

mark cuban suggests that, in the future, when posterity looks back at the incident, the joke will be on all the breathless journalists who huffed and puffed at this nonexistant controversy.

While Randy Moss will be able to laugh about the response and soon forget about it, those in the media will find their future peers snickering at them. “Hey, you’re the guy that got all bent out of shape when Randy Moss faked mooning the crowd. It was a joke, right? You were kidding about it. Right? Please tell me you weren’t serious...You were. Really?...that’s interesting. And you are supposed to be one of the better journalists of your time? Good for you. Must have been interesting times.”
[read it all]

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January 14, 2005

video: napoleon dynamite reading letterman's top 10 list

napoleond.jpg

i promised my dentist, a native of preston, idaho, that we would post this video featuring the late show's "top ten signs you're not the most popular guy in your high school". napoleon dynamite (jon heder) presents the list.

and remember, kids: hygiene, tetherball, and bowhunting skills are the key to being popular with your peers. for complete instructions, get the napoleon dynamite DVD.

Posted by travis at 07:50 PM | Comments (25) | TrackBack

January 07, 2005

video: simpson booed off stage for crime against humanity

bad_fake_star

a brief, but damning clip of the former lip-synchers atrocious performance at the orange bowl halftime show is here: [Ashlee Simpson Booed Off Stage]. many thanks to lipsinc.us for hosting the video. [listen really close between the 20 & 22 second mark on the clip. you'll hear someone shout, "YOU SUCK!"]. after the show, ashlee was consoled by the water-bearing lady.

if her career isn't over now, it will never die. she will be known as the indestructable woman; nations will fear her and jungle animals will flee from her presence. for the love of all that is holy, let her career be over. she sucks. sorry to be so harsh; if she's sad, she can go spend some of her millions of dollars she got by duping consumers.

for our coverage of ashlee's past problems and professional failures, see the following posts:

ashlee simpson: manufactured by MTV, deconstructed by SNL
simp-sinc saga continues

for better, (but cruder) descriptions of ashlee and her latest issues i recommend:

tony pierce on how the music execs are to blame
anthony russell on how virtuous girls should not follow ashlee's example

Posted by travis at 12:18 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 22, 2004

christmas anti-cheer

recently, while watching television, i overheard the most retarded quotation of the modern era. i blogged it here, and mason of provo pulse kindly quoted me on his blog.

the reaction on this blog centered on whether jesus could really be said to be the "reason" for christmas celebrations, because of the pagan origins of ancient december 25th celebrations.

the discussion on provo pulse, on the other hand, focused on my sloppy journalism, my failure to capitalize the name of diety, and my "abrupt" use of epithets. [link] i have added my response in the comments on that site, and below:

first catch up on the discussion here: http://provopulse.com/home/?q=node/view/571#comment
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i am the author of the piece in question, and i think i should say something in my own defense. i watched the entire exchange on hannity and colmes the other night, and the discussion centered on the issue of whether or not public buildings (especially schools) should allow the singing of christmas carols, the use of the phrase "merry christmas", and the mention of jesus to be sanctioned within their walls.

i posted my thoughts at all-encompassingly before the transcript became available, and when i did get access to the transcript, i read it and put it online immediately. i saw what everyone else here saw--the guest qualified his statements in such a way so that they didn't sound quite as retarded as i claim. but i maintain that his argument is wholly moronic. the fact that his comment is consistent with an utterly absurd argument may trick the likes of the provo princess and laurence burton into accepting it as reasonable [but what would i know: "he didn't capitalize the savior's name or duly acknowledge his official priesthood office (gasp)! he is, therefore, discredited and we must shun him in favor of those who properly punctuate their arguments!"]

GORSKY: What I'm saying is, if you have government-funded events, and they're turned into religious events to promote the idea that Jesus is the reason for the season, that that is wrong.

first of all, how often do government-funded events turn into religious revivals? the final sentence of my post is in response to this claim by gorsky. i never left my elementary school auditorium after singing in the christmas concert feeling "saved" or converted. neither can i envision an instance in which such an event morphs into a religious service. his main point is without merit.

secondly, when timothy gorsky goes on to say, "for (any non-christian religious group), jesus is not the reason for the season" he implies that these groups celebrate christmas alongside christians, but just leave the messy 'christ' part out of their observances. this is pretty ridiculous. jews, hindus, muslims, and buddhists generally do not celebrate christmas. for example, check out this website [http://www.islamonline.net/fatwa/english/FatwaDisplay.asp?hFatwaID=8895], where there is discussion about whether american muslims should celebrate christmas. ironically, the one reason given to celebrate it is that muslims DO believe that jesus was a prophet. whoops! looks like christ could be "the reason for the season" for one muslim out there. but the response from someone else is that, though christmas has become a national holiday, it is still a christian holiday. strike two! and whether or not people of other religious groups see christ as the center of the festivities participated in, with religious connotations, by 80-90% of americans is completely irrelevant. he is.

kc ushijima (who is neither royalty or a good researcher, both of which he claims: "i scoured the transcript--which i found camouflaged in a text link at the bottom of his entry--and located key discrepancies!"), writes:

I'm not a scholar on the Jewish Religion, but to my knowledge, Chanukkah is not about the birth (or even death) of Jesus.

nope. but like the crucifixion, it is meant to counteract his influence. let me quote from judaism 101:

Most American Jews feel a sort of ambivalence about Chanukkah. On the one hand, most of them know that Chanukkah is not a big deal, and they don't want to make a big deal about it. On the other hand, Christmas is everywhere, unavoidable and overwhelming, and Jews want something of their own to counterbalance it. This is the primary motivation behind elaborate Chanukkah decorations and enormous Chanukkah menorahs in public areas: Chanukkah is not very important, but asserting our Jewish identity and distinctiveness and existence in the face of overwhelming pressure to conform to a non-Jewish norm is important. [source]

looks like christmas is the reason for the season--even for jews! and if jesus is the reason for christmas, well...just put together this simple hypothetical syllogism: if jesus then christmas, if christmas then chanukka. therefore if jesus then chanukka. in addition to this perfectly logical argument, chanukka celebrates something to do with the temple, which (LDS know) had EVERYTHING to do with the messiah.

but going back to your statements...

I think that Jewish people may still celebrate Chanukah around the "holiday" season, even if it weren't for the Christian celebration (and market commercialization) of Jesus' birth.

if either yom kippur or rosh hashana (the two biggest jewish holidays) fell on december 25, your argument might be somewhat convincing. too bad they don't. as jewfaq.org admits, chanukka is hyped because of christmas, and christmas is because of jesus.

and i'm still searching online chat rooms for the huge (but SECRET!) hindu holiday that falls in december and that is the cause for so much december revelry among members of that religious sect.

getting back to the real question: what kind of learning have we engendered in our public schools? isn't it odd that our schools (purpose: to educate america's youth) are being asked to disguise or ignore the real story of christmas in the name of the oft-misapplied 'separation of church and state'? it's insane, if you ask me. and i still argue that gorsky's words were retarded--no matter how consistent they have been shown to be with his ludicrous position.

Posted by travis at 02:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 17, 2004

Who is running PR for Michael Jackson?

Regular all-encompassingly reader and esteemed scholar Dr. Richard Kimball sent us the following tidbit from the news today, with comments in italics:

Michael Jackson hosts 200 children at Neverland party

LOS OLIVOS, Calif. Pop singer Michael Jackson today greeted some two hundred children who were brought to his Neverland ranch to play in its amusement park.

"I hope you have a wonderful day. Merry Christmas. I love you,” (emphasis added, but we know it was implied) the pop singer called out to the children from the driveway of his estate.

Jackson, who faces trial next year on child molestation charges next year, appeared happy in the few minutes he spoke to the arriving throng (does anyone wonder why he was happy?).

Jackson spokesman Raymone K. Bain (I bet you he doesn’t observe “Take your child to work day”) said he chose to make an unusual personal appearance as a surprise for the last group of children touring Neverland before the Christmas holidays.

Bain said there was no relationship between the event and Jackson's upcoming trial. (But there will be a relation between this and a future court date)

Santa Barbara County authorities have charged Jackson with molesting a (many) boy(s), conspiracy and administering an intoxicating agent, alcohol, to his alleged victim(s).

The visitors, from six organizations and ranging in age from about three or four years to teenage, (mostly boys) were bused to Neverland and then rode a train up from the parking lot (where they were served “hot chocolate” with a Jackson favorite flavor).

Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten (ha), or redistributed.

You can read the entire article here.


Posted by doug at 07:41 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 15, 2004

most retarded quotation of the modern era

some guy from some atheist organization went on national tv last night and defended the expelling of christmas carols from public schools with this statement:

"jesus is not the reason for christmas."

hey idiot! if christ isn't the reason for christmas, then what's the problem with singing about him in the darn songs? he must not be the reason for the songs, either (the songs all just happen to mention him).

hey, i think we've found our solution! normal americans go on singing the songs. you go on telling yourself that god doesn't exist and that christ is a figment of people's imaginations. sweet!

on the other hand, christmas (besides the curiously religious-sounding root of the word--i'll look into it!) is a federal holiday. religion--civil religion, not some state church--is an integral part of our national culture. it does contribute to public morality (without which the people could not be governed). crapola, it's important!

so give us all a break, moronic atheists, from your assumptions that EVERY.SINGLE.MENTION.OF.GOD. is somehow an unpardonable proselytistic act by an oppressive state religion.
- - - - - -
UPDATE I: here's the transcript. the guy's name is timothy gorsky, from the church of free thought.

UPDATE II: for further discussion, check out the comments below the post here.

Posted by travis at 02:00 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

December 12, 2004

kobe bryant: "nobody treats my wife that way--except me!"

bryant_is_a_whiny_narcissist.jpg

kobe has publicly denounced karl malone for apparently "coming on" to the young NBA superstar's wife a few weeks ago. he was upset that someone would treat his wife so disrespectfully.

this is curious, considering kobe currently charged with raping a young hotel worker in colorado. even if the facts point to his innocence with regard to rape, he is undeniably and admittedly guilty of cheating on his wife and (i'm just guessing here) hurting her feelings.

why the double standard, then? why couldn't kobe quietly deal with this in private?

because kobe is a huge narcissist, who can't stand to have any other talented players on the same team with him. he chased out shaquille o'neill, one of the NBA's all-time greatest centers last year, adding some tasty parting shots about shaquille's own problems with marital infidelity. he also managed to chase away one of the NBA's all-time winningest coaches, phil jackson, after the pampered star's drama-queen antics contributed to the coach's first-ever NBA finals loss in 10 trips.

kobe, we know you live in LA, but life doesn't need to imitate the soap operas! get over yourself! and jerry (buss, lakers' owner): are you starting to see that you made the wrong choice for your 'franchise' player? this might have been prevented by simply perusing your players' grade school report cards, looking for the phrase "does not work/play well with others".

Posted by travis at 11:56 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

December 04, 2004

The Record Books

HR - Single Season
1 Barry Bonds 2001 73*
2 Mark McGwire 1998 70**
3 Sammy Sosa 1998 66***
4 Mark McGwire 1999 65**
5 Sammy Sosa 2001 64***
6 Sammy Sosa 1999 63***
7 Roger Maris 1961 61
8 Babe Ruth 1927 60
9 Babe Ruth 1921 59
10 Mark McGwire 1997 58**

* Used performance enhancing flaxseed oil

** Took "andro" (androstenedione)

*** Caught corking his bat after setting these records; may have also used a product similar to Bonds' arthritis rubbing balm

Posted by doug at 04:25 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

November 25, 2004

dave barry on thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving, america. on this solemn occasion, please consider the words of dave barry:

Thanksgiving is also a spiritual time of quiet reflection -- a time when we pause to remember, as generations have remembered before us, that an improperly cooked turkey is -- in the words of the U.S. Department of Agriculture -- ``a ticking Meat Bomb of Death.''

Yes, it is a tragic but statistical fact that every Thanksgiving, undercooked turkeys claim the lives of an estimated 53 billion Americans (source: Dan Rather). Sometimes the cause is deadly bacteria; sometimes -- in cases of extreme undercooking -- the turkey actually springs up from the carving platter and pecks the would-be carver to death.

The only way to be sure you've killed all the bacteria in your turkey is to cook it until a meat thermometer inserted into the breast melts, indicating that the turkey has attained the same internal temperature as the sun. ''Basically,'' advises the Surgeon General, ''you want to be serving your family a 16-pound charcoal briquette.''

Of course, not everybody is comfortable with the idea of eating turkeys, which are, let's face it, living organisms, like dogs, or celery. You may wonder: Is there a more humanitarian option that you can serve for Thanksgiving dinner? There certainly is: It's tofu, a semi-foodlike substance secreted by soybeans as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be used as a high-protein meat substitute, as well as a denture adhesive or tile grout. In its natural state, tofu is tasteless and odorless, but if you form it into a turkey-shaped lump, season it well, add gravy and bake it for two hours in a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can also use it for minor driveway repairs." [link]

Posted by travis at 12:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 17, 2004

humor: bush appointees and phlebotomies

two funny things caught my eye today. the first is from james taranto of the wall street journal.

President Bush has appointed Margaret Spellings, a White House domestic-policy adviser, to be secretary of education. During the press conference announcing the appointment, Spellings said, "I am joined today . . . by my husband, Robert."

Were we ever relieved to learn she was married. The Education Department is the last place you want to find Miss Spellings.

secondly, we have this gem, found in the classifieds of utah's "city weekly"

phleb.jpg

imagine that! a glamorous career in phlebotomy is just a phone call away!

these two items are, of course, unrelated (except for the fact that "phlebotomy" sounds a little bit like "lobotomy" and most bush-haters have, one time or other, joked that the president has had that procedure done. but that's a bit of a stretch. let's just say they're unrelated).

Posted by travis at 02:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 12, 2004

simultaneously pitiful and hilarious

i haven't browsed through all the pictures on this site yet. i'm saving it for a day when i'm feeling really depressed and need some sort of pick-me-up.

it's called "sorry everybody", and purports to apologize to the world for the results of the recent presidential election. thanks for the great pictures! i promise they'll all be uploaded to uglypeople.com within the week!

another thing that has literally made my day is the newsweek story written from inside the kerry campaign. [link] it seems to confirm everything i've ever assumed about john kerry, but was afraid to actually believe.

UPDATE: if you've combed through kos, the democratic underground, and sorry everybody, but still thirst for more "inspiring obstinance" from the rabidly anti-bush, try this 14-year old kid's blog.

Posted by travis at 01:32 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

November 10, 2004

al-qaeda, al-jazeera to merge

in a move that most are calling "unsurprising", al-qaeda, the world's foremost terror and death cult, and al-jazeera, the 24-hour beheading channel, today announced a merger that analysts expect to benefit the arab world for years to come.

al-qaeda has been looking to consolidate its propaganda and unfounded lies departments with a viable communication vehicle. al-jazeera's television and internet divisions will be a welcome addition to the al-qaeda family.

al-jazeera is expected to enjoy a much-needed popularity boost among it's viewers. having long been accused of being "a puppet outfit of al-qaeda, much like prime minister allawi is a puppet of the american imperialists", al-jazeera will now enjoy the status of a legitimate arm of the al-qaeda organization.

western contributors are likely to include the likes of michael moore, sean penn, barbara streisand, and al franken. keith olbermann was in consideration for a nightly show until executives began to suspect he is a jew, and the offer was withdrawn. olbermann said he took no offense, saying specifically, "no, i'm not offended. look, i'm an enlightened intellectual. i don't need to prop myself up with religious nonsense. i will continue to support any group that is anti-american, regardless of its other positions."

when asked if the break in beheading coverage would demoralize al-jazeera's viewing audience, an executive for the respected news group answered, "of course not. we'll be working with the religious freedom fighters to streamline the whole beheading process--the wailing, the threats, the invocations of the name of allah, and the actual hacking itself--to make things go as quickly as they need to go. i assure you that you'll be seeing more beheadings--not less."

UPDATE--breaking news: DUBAI (AFP) - Iraqi Defence Minister Hazem Shaalan branded the popular Arabic-language satellite television Al-Jazeera a "channel of terrorism", in a newspaper interview.

That brought a sharp reaction from the broadcaster, which expressed its "utter outrage" at what it said was an "unsubstantiated allegation".

"Al-Jazeera is a channel of terrorism. That is clear and we say openly and without hesitation: Al-Jazeera is a channel of terrorism," Shaalan was quoted by the London-based Arabic newspaper Asharq Al-Awsat as saying.

The Qatar-based station, which has been banned from reporting in Iraq since early August, has frequently been accused by US and Iraqi authorities of inciting violence by screening "exclusive" videotapes from Islamic militants, including Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.

Despite the ban, the 24-hour news channel is often first to announce breaking news from the war-ravaged country, including kidnappings and beheadings of foreign hostages as well as statements from militant groups.

Shaalan charged that Iraqi "terrorist" Omar Hadeed, who he alleged has links to Al-Qaeda, is a brother of Al-Jazeera's office director in Iraq, Hamed Hadeed.

He also said the journalist was receiving videos showing beheadings in the restive Iraqi city of Fallujah from his brother.

Al-Jazeera has denied that its Iraq director has any relationship with Omar Hadeed.

Asharq Al-Awsat reported on Friday that Omar Hadeed is a former bodyguard of Saddam Hussein and a top aide to Iraq's most wanted man, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, and that he led the battle against US and Iraqi forces in Fallujah.

"We consider him a terrorist for attacking and killing national guard forces as well as multinational forces," said Shaalan.

Some 10,000 US troops, backed by 2,000 Iraqi forces, launched an assault on Fallujah on November 8 to wrest control of the city from rebels.

"Let God curse all those who terrorise Iraqi citizens and children of Iraq, be they journalists or others. The day will come when we will take (measures) against Al-Jazeera other than by words," the minister warned.

He said the channel continues to operate in Iraq "secretly, in contravention of the law."

In its response Tuesday, Al-Jazeera expressed its "deep concern about these allegations that are tantamount to inciting violence against the channel's employees.

"Consequently, the channel has initiated a process in which these claims are looked at from a legal perspective, with a view to ensuring the safety of its people, in addition to safeguarding its reputation.

"While Al-Jazeera channel is dismayed with this smear campaign, it nevertheless asserts that the only judge of its professional integrity is the millions of people around the world who look upon it as the news source of choice. [via LGF]

Posted by travis at 04:18 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

November 07, 2004

Mark Steyn

If there are any all-encompassingly readers who do not regularly frequent marksteyn.com, add it to your list of "must-read" sites today. Not only is he hilarious and brilliant, but his incisive commentary is right on the money.

My favorite from a recent Steyn column on the election:

On election day, I was driving through Vermont and found myself behind a car with a Kerry-Edwards sticker and an Instead of Being Born Again, Why Not Grow Up? sticker. Fair enough, the feeling's mutual: the secular, coastal, libertine Democratic Party has zero appeal to born-again Christians. The problem is the crude numbers: 40 per cent of Americans identify themselves as born-again. So right there you've written off 40 per cent of the electorate. What have you got in return? The gay vote? Five per cent? And Bush got a quarter of that.
So, go visit Steyn's site...and visit often. You won't be disappointed.

Posted by doug at 01:14 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

November 06, 2004

look up "paranoid" in a dictionary and you'll see...

paranoid:  dan rather.

par·a·noid
--adjective

1. Relating to, characteristic of, or affected with paranoia.
2. Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others: a paranoid suspicion that the phone might be bugged.

--noun
One affected with paranoia, i.e., Dan Rather.

on election night, he seriously inquired of ed bradley whether the white house would be using the blogs again to further their sinister purposes to stop the provisional ballot count in ohio.

[video]
[transcript]

speaking of funny news anchors, did anybody see peter jennings stumble and almost fall after he finally signed off at about 6am EDT wednesday morning? it was a long night for these guys.

Posted by travis at 06:42 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 26, 2004

simp-sinc saga continues

ashlee simpson cancelled a concert at a utah school today. surely, many impressionable youths were crushed to learn that they would have to listen to her CD on their own stereos, rather than hear it blasted over the school sound system. read the news report and watch the video here. [real player] the clip includes this portion from the today show:

(Ashlee Simpson:) "BUT MY VOICE WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD UP THE SONG ALONG, YA KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS LIKE...UH, YOU KNOW....(PAUSE)...MY DAD WAS REALLY THE ONE WHO WAS LIKE 'HONEY, YOU HAVE TO...' HE PUT DR. SUGARMAN, MY VOCAL DOCTOR, ON THE PHONE WITH ME WHO SAID 'YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO...YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN YOUR VOCAL CORDS IF YOU SING ON 'EM LIKE THIS."

Posted by travis at 03:39 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 24, 2004

ashlee simpson: manufactured by MTV, deconstructed by SNL

my wife, summer, is way hotter.

ashlee simpson messed up her scheduled lip-sync on saturday night live this weekend. download the hilarious video here [3MB, windows media]. i feel bad for her, but it's only right that the saying applies, "live by the fake image, die by the fake image".

usa today was the first official news outlet to pick up the story:

SNL viewers heard Simpson — her microphone at her side and her mouth closed — singing Pieces of Me, which she had performed earlier on the show. The chagrined singer did a jig before leaving the stage, while her band still played.

Simpson, 20, apologized at the end of the show and blamed her band for playing "the wrong song." Her record label and publicist said it was a computer glitch. [source]

my prediction for the future of her career? the corporate marketing people who created her will send her to guest-star on "newlyweds" a couple of times and she'll be back to rolling in the dough before you can say "manufactured by MTV".

Posted by travis at 08:10 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

October 21, 2004

Kerry: Declare Victory!

From an AP report regarding Kerry's election day strategy, emphasis mine:

"Right now, we have 10,000 lawyers out in the battleground states on Election Day, and that number is growing by the day," said Michael Whouley, a Kerry confidant who is running election operations at the Democratic National Committee.

While the lawyers litigate, political operatives will try to shape public perception. Their goal would be to persuade voters that Kerry has the best claim to the presidency and that Republicans are trying to steal it.

Is irony completely lost on liberals?

Posted by doug at 09:21 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

teresa to stay-at-home moms: "you're lazy! go out and get a real job."

let them eat cake but let other women raise their children.  butler?  butler?  where is my beluga?

because you've worked and sweated for every cent you have, right teresa? seriously, your statement to USA today fascinates me! especially coming from a woman who, earlier this year, couldn't recognize the chili at a wendy's restaurant.

you, teresa, are such an elitist, it makes me sick.

[read the weekly standard article]

see also:
"shove it!"
"four more years of hell!"
final question of final presidential debate

Posted by travis at 01:55 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

October 19, 2004

John/John : The Manly Candidates

In the past several days the duo known as John/John to millions of admirers has quashed...I mean QUASHED...any doubt that they are, in fact, the manliest of all duos.

Kerry playing soccer
.

Edwards playing Barbie (with his own hair).

Posted by doug at 05:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 18, 2004

If only Zoolander had brought injury upon the Malaysian Prime Minister...

...then we would be spared his anti-semetic diatribes.

But alas, the Jew-hating has taken a back seat to his most recent crusade: ensuring the election of John Kerry! In a not-so-stunning declaration to American muslims, Dr. Mahathir Mohamad said that voting for Kerry "...is truly an ibadah (act of devotional worship) that you perform."

The fundamental reason to vote for Kerry, according to Mahathir, is that George Bush has been "the cause of the tragedies" around the Muslim world. "In the past four years, during the Presidency of George W. Bush, the Muslims and their countries have suffered oppression and humiliation as never before in the history of Islam."

Oppression? Humiliation? Maybe he feels that the U.S. is oppressing and humiliating...but give me break, can anything beat their current government and religious practices? I for one would be humiliated if I lived in Saudi Arabia, for example, just knowing that people outside the Islamic world knew how we treated women. Good grief.

As a side note, Mahathir didn't elaborate his feeling as to whether blowing oneself in terroristic civil disobience was also an "act of devotional worship", but I'm guessing we can surmise where he stands.

UPDATE: Anti-semites be unafraid! Respected world leaders are coming out in droves to support Kerry. Yasser Arafat has made clear his support for Kerry as well.

Posted by doug at 09:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 16, 2004

Jon Stewart Destroys Crossfire

Daily Show host Jon Stewart was on Crossfire yesterday and was not funny at all. Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala were expecting him to ham it up, but Stewart came out of the gate criticizing Crossfire (and other "political shows") and didn't stop swinging until the end.

The thing is, as Mitch would say, that Stewart is right on in his criticism. Crossfire usually devolves into a shouting match of talking points, just like so many other "debate shows." Why can't we have Michael Kinsley and Pat Buchanan back?

Video -- Transcript

Posted by doug at 04:30 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

October 14, 2004

debate roundup: questions we'd like to see

scott ott thinks bob schieffer had some different questions in the bag for last night's debate. some of my favorites:

To Kerry: Given your failure, during two decades in the senate, to introduce legislation to provide healthcare for all Americans, tell us about your most heroic moment in combat in Vietnam?
. . . . .
To Kerry: Sen. Kerry, since you're a child of privilege who attended private schools and married a wealthy heiress, does it shock you that President Bush lacks your sense of compassion for hard-working middle Americans? [link]

Posted by travis at 12:51 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

debate roundup: john kerry's bizarro world

kerry_scary.jpg

ann coulter provides some insight into what life is like in john kerry world. some excerpts:

[Democrats] call terrorism a "nuisance," like prostitution and other petty crimes. ("Hundreds of Children Killed in Chechnya by Nuisance," "British Civilian Beheaded by Annoyance," "9-11: What a Hassle!"
. . . . .
Kerry told the New York Times he could "do a better job" in the war on terror – which Kerry adviser Richard Holbrooke says is not a war at all, but a metaphor ("Thousands Die in Attack by Metaphor").

He would do a better job, Kerry said, "most importantly – and I mean most importantly – of restoring America's reputation as a country that listens, is sensitive, brings people to our side, is the seeker of peace, not war, and that uses our high moral ground and high-level values to augment us in the war on terror, not to diminish us."

Imagine President John Kerry at the Berlin Wall. "Mr. Gorbachev ... I challenge you to get to an emotional place where you can imagine a different kind of non-wall reality, that fully respects the 'wallness' of your current reality, yet takes us on a spiritual journey in which ..." [link] []

Posted by travis at 12:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 11, 2004

kerry candidacy suffers crushing blow

kerry has held opposing positions on practically every political issue this election cycle. but there was one issue--one issue--about which he was steadfast and immovable! he desired that christopher reeve walk again. he mentioned this central campaign theme in the 2nd debate with president bush--and good thing he mentioned it--because i think most people were rooting against reeve until friday night. but superman is a personal friend of john kerry. so is michael j. fox.

kerry also has several retired generals who support him. and don't forget, some republican congressmen, a republican governor, and the national republican party chairman have made statements he is willing to quote! he also served in vietnam. you may not have known these things! that's why john kerry's campaign decided last friday's debate would have to become--officially--"Name Drop 2004". [read the debate transcript]

in the debate, john kerry took a page out of the door-to-door salesman's book and pretended that, by mentioning, slyly "you know, your neighbor blah blah blah" we would be convinced to buy his product. he dropped names of republican politicians, military men, people with brains, and other obvious conservatives.

spiderman and W pose for photos while discussing what its like to 'kick some major evil-doer a**'.  excellent work by my hot wife to create the image

but sadly, the kerry campaign now has no meaning. the man he wanted to become president to save--has died. i know it's depressing, but look on the bright side. president bush will work to save the life of every soul--not just famous ones.

plus, i heard he's friends with spiderman.
-- -- -- -- --
comments are still down, so allen emails:

Back before the debates, wasn't it Kerry and the gang who warned President Bush about using the victims of 9/11 to get political gain, which they ended up doing themselves... Christopher Reeve dies and Edwards is out blaming it on Bush the very day. It is ridiculous to think that anyone would be walking right now if there were fewer restrictions on stem cell research. They still don't know if embryonic stem cells will even help the spinal cord. As we have all said many times, the Kerry campaign is full of political opportunists with no real agenda or platform. Or even, for that matter, a full brain between the lot of them.

UPDATE: scrappleface documents the ripple effect of edwards' promises among terrorists who are in need of the senator's miraculous healing powers [link]

Posted by travis at 07:05 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 01, 2004

John Kerry Steals Our Material!

Kerry's position on Iraq has changed quite a bit. He was for the war, against funding it, for it, against it, sort-of for it, totally against it. There is only one term that can accuractely describe his position: all-encompassingly.

Posted by doug at 01:09 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 28, 2004

MST3K humor not only for nerds: satire works for sports, too

with all those old 'world's strongest man' episodes to mock, you know this show is going to be funny

if you were a fan of mystery science theater 3000, you'll enjoy the new show on the ESPN classic network called cheap seats. it's the funniest thing on TV right now. and while it follows the model of MST3K in that a couple of wiseacres crack jokes about whatever's on the screen, it succeeds in solving (what i believe to have been) MST3K's greatest flaw: the painful lulls in joke-making inherent in ridiculing an entire movie. the show moves quickly with short clips, packing a lot of laughs for a 30 minute show. watch some clips here.

Posted by travis at 02:05 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

September 27, 2004

best news article EVER

this is the actual article i ripped out with my own hand.

i recently found an article tacked to my cork board that i had ripped out of the daily universe back in october 2002. you know it means a lot to me because it survived 5 moves. here it is; i've bolded my favorite parts.

Around 10:30, James Norlem, 23, a junior majoring in Theater and Media Arts, from Omaha, Neb., was walking down Wilkinson Way, heading toward the Tanner Building on a work errand, when he saw a male on rollerblades, said university police information specialist, Greg Barber.

"My husband and I don't like seeing people on campus blatantly disobeying rules and laws," said James' wife, Casey Norlem, 22, a junior majoring in pre-home economics, from Farmington, N.M.

James Norlem approached the man to inform him that rollerblading is not allowed on campus.

"James, out of courtesy, told him it was against the law to save him from a $300 fine," Casey Norlem said.

When the man responded rudely to Norlem and proceeded to leave, Norlem ran after the man and grabbed his backpack. The skater then did a 360 on his blades, and pushed Norlem, throwing him to the ground, said Casey Norlem. The skater fled the scene and not been identified.

Eyewitness Saia Uluave, 22, a sophomore majoring in pre-management, from Provo, Utah County, was sitting on the west side of the Bookstore when the incident occurred. He said he did not think the rollerblader caused Norlem's fall.

Norlem broke his femur and chipped a part of his knee, Casey Norlem said.

She said because of the type of break, Norlem will have to undergo surgery and have pins placed in his bone, after which he will be in a lower-body cast for several weeks. She also said he will not be fully recovered for five to six months.

"It makes me angry that one student decides to not follow the rules and my husband decides to do something about it and now he's going to be in pain and out of function for months," she said.

James Norlem said in the future, he will not try to follow rule-breakers, but rather just get a better description and turn them in later. [out of "courtesy", right, james?)

"Any citizen has the right, when they see a crime occurring, to apprehend or detain the person and turn them over to law enforcement so they can be dealt with appropriately," Barber said.

If the suspect is apprehended, he will be cited in court for a minor offense, similar to a speeding ticket, Barber said.

Casey Norlem said she thinks it is pathetic that a student would purposely break a law, and furthermore, that he did not care that he injured her husband. [link]

i was going to provide a point-by-point fisking of this exhibition of utter stupidity by both the norlems and the reporter, (and even the university police guy who recommended that the norlems tackle and subdue any future "rule or law" breaking recreationists until proper authorities can be procured to deal with them) but the article is just too hilarious, too filled with crap, and too unreal. every single thing that casey norlem breathlessly claims is refuted by eyewitnesses or the laws of probability. that is why this is, indubitably, the best news article ever.

Posted by travis at 01:35 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

September 22, 2004

UVSC Debate Rages

hannity.jpg
Sean Hannity has offered to debate Michael Moore at UVSC. Unfortunately, Moore admits that he isn't a debater, since logic is required. So, Hannity is still offering to speak at the school for FREE. He apparently does not require the $40,000 per diem for food and personal hygiene items.

Also, read the comments that people have been making to our previous post on the subject.

Posted by doug at 12:36 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

September 14, 2004

John/John - The Ambigiously "Foreign Policy" Duo!

From yesterday's news:

Senator Kerry is accusing the Bush administration of letting what he described as a "nuclear nightmare" develop in North Korea by refusing to deal with Pyongyang when Mr. Bush first came to office in 2001.
kerry_ambiguouslygay.jpgAnd yet, what would John/John do to curb the nuclear crisis in Iran? Almost the exact same thing that Clinton did in North Korea!
A John F. Kerry administration would propose to Iran that the Islamic state be allowed to keep its nuclear power plants in exchange for giving up the right to retain the nuclear fuel that could be used for bomb-making, Democratic vice presidential nominee John Edwards said in an interview yesterday.
...
Kerry first outlined the idea of providing nuclear fuel to Iran in a speech in June -- a proposal favored by many Europeans -- but Edwards, who twice described the concept as a "bargain," was more explicit in suggesting the Kerry administration would actively try to reach an agreement with the Iranians.

Posted by doug at 10:13 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 29, 2004

atheist marxist cash fans cry foul

a story being reported by the BBC notes some criticism of the republican national convention's planned tribute of recently deceased country singer, johnny cash. apparently, the deeply religious and moral cash, who wrote several songs about jesus christ, and who covered nine inch nails' song, "hurt" with the phrases "crown of sh*t" and "empire of sh*t" changed to "crown of thorns" and "empire of dirt" suddenly became an icon to millions of leftists who love immorality and hate religion.

in response, republicans have vowed a similar protest if the democrats ever hold a marilyn manson memorial at their presidential convention.

Johnny_Cash.jpgmarilyn_manson.gif

Posted by travis at 09:54 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 24, 2004

afro contest

it's me versus my brother. [link]

Posted by travis at 09:57 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 14, 2004

hand dryer instructions

in the men's bathroom of BYU's cannon center dining hall, there is some funny graffiti.

push button, receive bacon.  circa winter semester 2004

you probably can't read it. i'm about as good with a camera as i am with babies (just lucky if i don't drop them) but, as you can see, there are two parts to this instructional diagram. they have been slightly modified by witty hoodlums. the first pane has, scrawled beside the picture, "push button", the next: "receive bacon".

priceless.

i normally dislike graffiti, but this is just too good. and who needs instructions for a one-button device, anyway?

Posted by travis at 09:36 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

August 06, 2004

kerry: "i would've immediately sought out france's opinion"

in his ongoing effort to trick americans into thinking he would be tougher on terrorists than george w bush, john kerry this week criticized bush's reaction to the news of the 2001 september 11th attacks

"Had I been reading to children and had my top aide whisper in my ear that America is under attack, I would have told those kids very nicely and politely that the president of the United States has to call France right away'' Kerry said. "And I would left the classroom immediately, leaving a room full of 6 year-olds fearing for their lives. i would've used the extra seven minutes to discuss--with important world leaders--what america would be permitted to do in response to the attack that would be sensitive to the feelings of the perpetrators and their supporters in the world community.'' [link]

even teresa '4 more years of hell!' heinz-kerry appears to doubt her husband on this oneif i smile real big will you believe me?

john kerry has previously said that he is worried that america's unilateral actions to defend itself against terrorists have offended the world community, and that he would have consulted respected world leaders like jacques chirac, vladimir putin, kim jung il, and (then) saddam hussein on how america could best wage a kinder, gentler--"more sensitive" war on terrorism.

even though kerry sat around paralyzed by fear and an inability to think for over 40 minutes (almost 6 times longer than the president did) after the second plane hit the world trade center, he is confident that, if he had been america's commander-in-chief at the time, he would have sprung into action immediately. and even though senator kerry has the advantage of hindsight, and the account of his own reaction tells us differently, we have no doubt but that he is telling the truth, and is completely without guile--just like he is with his vietnam stories.

Posted by travis at 02:34 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 04, 2004

quinn and maher on NPR

BILL MAHER

maher got a pass from the left-of-center "fresh air" host, terry gross, on NPR yesterday. he twisted the facts to defend teresa heinz-kerry, who rudely dismissed a journalist in boston last week (now known as the 'shove it' incident). gross asked maher to compare the remark vice president cheney made to pat leahy to what teresa heinz billionairess said to the reporter. the conversation went like this:

yes, i would love to toss michael moore's salad.  i'd do it in a second.

bill maher: "to tell a reporter who, in her view--i haven't really looked into it--but apparently, in her view, anyway, he made stuff up about her...i mean, come on. what's the big deal about telling a reporter to "shove it" if they lied about you? that's the least you can do. that's a lot different than talking in a much more tawdry way to a US senator! i mean, this wasn't some low-life reporter...this was senator pat leahy."

liberal NPR host: "---"

terry gross moved on to the next question, not bothering to correct maher (that, in fact, the "low life" reporter was repeating something heinz kerry DID say--it's on tape). she also ignored the fact that maher had just spoken divisively--as if there were 'two americas' or something!--by calling a reporter a "low-life" and implying that senators deserve better treatment than journalists. at the DNC, senator edwards specifically called such divisiveness a republican tactic, and the claim was a major theme of the democratic national convention.

later on, when gross raised a question about hollywood being liberal, maher responded by claiming it's only liberal "on the surface". because since they're all rich, "they all want the stock market to remain stable". thus, deep down, they're conservative. i'm not kidding. that was his argument.

of course! only a conservative would want the stock market to remain stable!

listen to the whole thing here. his majorly idiotic statement comes about 2/3 of the way through.

COLIN QUINN

colin.jpg

liberal NPR host: (asking about the two-party system and, since quinn supports bush, why quinn would even think of voting for nader) "why would you vote for [ralph nader]?"

colin quinn: "just because i'm outraged that people are so mad that...it's like so funny, 'cause like in facism you have one person--horrible dictatorships--you only have one person. and here you have two. one more than facism. [laughs] that's not good either. so i just hate the fact that everybody's like, "we can't have three parties spoiling things"...

and later, gross questions quinn about liberal hollywood:

colin2.jpg

host: "you know, a lot of conservatives are anti-hollywood and i know you live in new york not LA but you're still a part of the "show business family", so hollywood is perceived as very liberal. being a part of the entertainment business and, actually, being inclined to vote for president bush. how do you feel about the image of hollywood as being liberal?"

quinn: "it's not an image; they're all liberal. i mean, it's outrageous how liberal it really is. i mean, [laughs] it's completely liberal. but i mean, it's not a conspiracy, but they are all liberal and all TV shows have a liberal bent. and then when something like fox news comes along they all get outraged, like "how could they...fox news!" you know, and it's like, hey, it's the one thing that's not liberal."

quinn then goes on to make a great point. he says that while hollywood stars consistently blame american "imperialism" and "oil greed" for the way we are hated in the islamic world, they leave out their own "cultural imperialism"--as quinn describes it--the immoral culture we export in our salacious movies and music, which is just as much a reason why muslim fundamentalists (who force their women to wear beekeeper outfits) hate us. nevertheless, the blame never seems to shift from corporations and government policy.

[listen to the whole interview]

colin leans conservative and hosts tough crowd on comedy central. the show is perhaps doug's and my favorite. follow the link, browse the short video clips, and see if you agree with us. [here]

Posted by travis at 12:01 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

July 27, 2004

'USA today' doesn't get ann coulter's DNC humor

i'll admit it: sometimes i have to reread a paragraph of ann coulter's column a couple of times. hers is certainly intellectual humor, and i may not get it the first time. i also have to do this when i'm studying the word of the lord in the scriptures--read it over again to understand the message.

ann is clearly dejected that the USA today's editorial page guy is so stupid he can't understand sarcasm

does that tell you how much i revere ann coulter?

USA today asked her (a graduate of cornell university in political science, then michigan law school) and michael moore (college dropout) to write on the democratic national convention in boston this week. after the USA today editor, brian gallagher, didn't understand anything ann wrote, the paper had to fire her. human events, the organization for which ann works, has published her column along with the complaints from 'USA today'. [link] gallagher explained his policies:

[Michael] Moore will be held "to the same editing standards" as Coulter and other columnists who write for the newspaper's opinion page. [link]

in other words, they'll all be asked to be nicer to liberals? that seems to be the only problem with coulter's article to me--she was just so scathingly witty, like a stand-up comic who picks out the weaknesses of a subject and exploits them to get huge laughs. "maybe they thought they were getting catherine coulter," ann quipped. here's an excerpt from ann's DNC piece:

Looking at the line-up of speakers at the Convention, I have developed the 7-11 challenge: I will quit making fun of, for example, Dennis Kucinich, if he can prove he can run a 7-11 properly for 8 hours. We’ll even let him have an hour or so of preparation before we open up. Within 8 hours, the money will be gone, the store will be empty, and he’ll be explaining how three 11-year olds came in and asked for the money and he gave it to them.

USA Today's Gallagher: I DON'T GET IT. [link]

indeed. read the whole thing.

Posted by travis at 09:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 26, 2004

what people are saying about all-encompassingly

i went through our comment history this weekend and looked for remarks hurling insults or praise in our direction, and i found quite a few. we've had some great discussion on the blog in our first 16 months. if you want to see what inspired a particular spewage of hate or love, just click on the comment to go to the post that inspired it. all of the comments are real. where remarks came in an email, there is no link. now, without further ado, here's what people have to say about our blog, all-encompassingly:

"Gives me heartburn and makes me want to hurt people." --Carina, Hollywood Film Critic

"blatantly misleading and sensationalistic" --comment, Jul 2003 [link]

"Travis, you are a gift to humanity" --comment, Jul 2003 [link]

"d***head...I'll use regular punctuation for a week in honour of your great thinkings, master." --comment, Aug, 2003 [link]

"I just don't think I can do it [choose between Travis and Doug]." --Kerri, Sept 2003 [link]

"I'm insulted." --comment, Sept 2003 [link]

"You [are] all sniffle and twaddle, an ignorant piece of squidflesh fit only to exist on the bottom of [Helen] Thomas's shoe" --comment, Sept 2003 [link]

"9 times out of 10 gives me a good laugh." --Ashley, Mother of Three

"Made me into the man I am today" --The Captain[link]

"a self-absorbed bunch...take yourselves a bit too seriously. [You publish] gossipy, bitchy drivel...[you are] just another inbred hobby group...[your writing is] babble, and...is irrelevant." --comment, Nov 2003 [link]

"you guys need to get out more." --comment, Jan 2004 [link]

"bordering on retardation." --Dan, Feb 2004 [link]

"Doug, it's becoming more and more clear that you're not terribly bright." --comment, Mar 2004 [link]

"This website is pretty funny." --Tiffany, Apr 2004 [link]

"deeply mistaken" --professor of english, bruce young, letter to the editor, Jun 2004 [link]

"Travis, stop pretending you know anything about the War on Terror, even with your degree in philosophy." --Jeremy Bransom, letter to the editor, Jun 2004 [link]

"F*** you. I hope you die of oil inhalation." --comment, Jun 2004 [link]

"Enjoying your Blog...but don't forget your school work...(unless you are being
paid by the Blog people?)." --My Mother, Bless Her Heart [link]

Posted by travis at 08:24 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

July 20, 2004

photo montages

*the john-johns as girlie men by 2flower
*john "you're not going to find us on vacation" kerry by drudge

UPDATE: IMAO offers some possible campaign scenarios surrounding the "girlie man" principle:

President Bush should put out an ad with an Arnold voice over saying, "What if you elect Kerry president, and there is terrorist attack, but he can't respond right away because he's spending an hour fixing his hair, the frilly little girlie man?"

In the Vice Presidential Debate, Dick Cheney could just keep bouncing a basketball off of John Edwards's head while saying, "Are you going to cry? Are you going to cry?"

To which Edwards will answer with a tearful, "Yes."

UPDATE: here's an old collection of photos we compiled ourselves, when howard dean made one of his characteristic campaign blunders: [link]

and another featuring stanley cup champions: [link]

Posted by travis at 12:01 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

July 19, 2004

Even Scarier Than "Dean Scream"

Allahpundit has some links to a series of photo-op pictures of Kerry and Edwards.

Definitely worth checking out.

Posted by doug at 08:42 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

July 12, 2004

car on a wire

car_wire.jpg

this. is. weird.

Witnesses reported that the driver jumped down from the vehicle and ran to catch a bus

The vehicle ran for over an hour until the oil had completely drained from the motor and it seized. [link]

Posted by travis at 07:36 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

July 08, 2004

excellent bush quotations

"The other day here in Florida [Sen. Kerry] claimed some important endorsements from overseas," Mr. Bush told 15,000 cheering partisans. "He won't tell us the name of the foreign admirers."

"That's OK," he added. "Either way, I'm not too worried, because I'm going to keep my campaign right here in America." [source]

and this:

"Senator Kerry voted for the Patriot Act, for NAFTA, for the No Child Left Behind Act, and for the use of force in Iraq," the president said. "Now he opposes the Patriot Act, NAFTA, the No Child Left Behind Act, and the liberation of Iraq."

"My opponent clearly feels strongly about each of these issues," he added. "So strongly that one position is never just enough."

"Someone asked Senator Kerry why he voted against the $87 billion funding bill to help our troops in Iraq," Mr. Bush said. "Here's what he said: 'I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.'"

"That sure clears things up, doesn't it?" [source]

ouch. hilarious and true. john kerry was pretty funny with his "we have better hair" comment, though....yeah.

Posted by travis at 05:01 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 01, 2004

utah, boy scouts trade invoices

bsa_omh.gif

after being told tuesday that the organization would have to come up with nearly $14 million to pay for a forest fire allegedly started by some of its members, the boy scouts turned the tables on the state of utah and presented authorities with a bill for $595 million. the bill provides a monetary estimate for tens of millions of previously uncharged hours of volunteer work performed by the boy scouts. nationwide, over 40 million hours of service were performed by the group last year alone, with an estimated half of that total coming from scouts in the state of utah. also noted are the BSA's civic education programs and the effect they have had on lowering crime rates. and with this being the first invoice ever presented to a government agency in the nearly one-hundred year history of scouting, it is understandable that the total could reach the hundreds of millions. said one utah scouting representative eddie lavell cross,

you know, that $595 million is a low estimate. we just counted the big stuff, like building trails and collecting canned goods for needy families. but if we had added "helping old ladies cross the street" to the bill, the total would've reached well into the billions.

no word yet on how the state of utah plans to reimburse the boy scouts for their labor or civic education programs.

and while the cause of the june 2002 fire for which the boy scouts are blamed is unknown, the documented destruction of more utah forests last summer by hippies [see here] remains unprosecuted.

Posted by travis at 08:08 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 24, 2004

indestructible video tape condemns US military

remember that "wedding party" the US military is accused of bombing in western iraq?

Video that Associated Press Television News shot a day after the attack shows fragments of musical instruments, pots and pans, and brightly colored beddings used for celebrations, scattered around a bombed out tent.
......
Several hours of video footage obtained Sunday by Associated Press Television News showed a wedding party that survivors said was later attacked by U.S. planes. The dead included the cameraman, Yasser Shawkat Abdullah, hired to record the festivities, which ended Tuesday night before the planes struck. [link]

there's no word yet on exactly how yasser's tape made it through the midnight-to-4am bombing raid unscathed.

Posted by travis at 08:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 30, 2004

marty stephens. ready. now.

here are my sarcastic thoughts on the candidate for utah governor's compelling slogan, via cell phone:

http://www.audlink.com/mailbox/1661/0404301536.mp3

Posted by travis at 04:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 29, 2004

google to go public

[article]

ha! you fools, nobody wants in on your stupid company!

/sarcasm

Posted by travis at 05:51 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 17, 2004

mad cow disease

would this be an instance of it?

Posted by travis at 11:18 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

April 16, 2004

variations on a theme

this inebriated man--not the accordion--is responsible for playing 'lady of spain'.

the phrase, "guns don't kill people, people kill people" has lots of practical applications. [see here] (a google search for the phrase, minus "guns"). on the first page of results, a slew of variations appear, seeking to excuse each of the following--vans, motorcycles, roads, toddlers, books, and goths. however, my favorite variation on the theme has to be one i heard yesterday:

"accordions don't play 'lady of spain', people play 'lady of spain'."

profound, indeed...then there's this...

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April 04, 2004

who enslaved the jews? film called 'blatantly anti-egyptic'

also, charlton heston is a meanie because he owns guns

it's that time of year again--the easter season--when one of the most popular movies of all time, the ten commandments (1956) starring charlton heston as moses receives it's annual TV airplay. however, this year, the anti-defamation league is raising questions that the movie may be full of anti-egyptian overtones.

"it is really troubling," said one egyptian who saw the film, "i'm afraid it may incite some anti-egyptian violence. i'm worried there will be a backlash from orthodox jews who see the film and become emotionally charged."

the size of rocks jews were asked to drag up inclined planes in the movie borders on unbelievable

the movie depicts brutal treatment of enslaved jews by their egyptian oppressors. the allegations come at an interesting time--a time when mel gibson's movie, the passion of the christ, is drawing criticism for its apparent implication of jews in the death of jesus.

like those who question the integrity of gibson's movie, critics of the ten commandments say that the storyline rests on one's interpretation of the biblical text--one which critics say was written by a biased author.

to put it simply, moses was the richard clarke of olden times. he wanted to be pharaoh, but was passed over for the job. to get back at the egyptians who snubbed him, he wrote a book, called "pentateuch: how ramses failed to protect us from the rising locust threat." --unnamed egyptian

genesis...exodus...leviticus...deuteronomy....numbers...the scandal is all spelled out in the pages of my new book, only $19.95 on amazon.com.  order your copy TODAY!'condi rice is a modern-day ramses.  she stole my 'pharaohood'.  and with it, my manhood,' confessed an emasculated clarke in the 9/11 hearings

the ten commandments has an estimated adjusted gross of nearly $800 million, placing it among the top-5 box-office films of all time. beliefnet claims the movie's popularity is proof that anti-egyptianism is prevalent in america.

so, who really enslaved the jews? it was all of us.
- - - -
this is satire. for a serious perspective, i recommend ramesh ponnuru. or for more of the same, scott ott. for especially immature attempts at humor, rest your mouse cursor over the pictures in this post.

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waffles

waffles2.gif

waffles

google-bombing as suggested by esoteric diatribe

UPDATE/anti-googlebomb: it should be noted that air america makes for better paint balls than radio.

Posted by travis at 07:19 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

April 01, 2004

doomsday scenarios

the most dangerous substance you've never heard of may be dihydrogen monoxide. go [here] to read about the hidden dangers of the substance.

and (supposedly friendly) robots from japan. [link]. yeah, right.

it is a scary world we live in, i tell you.

Posted by travis at 07:38 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 26, 2004

points of interest from the 9/11 hearings

IMAO summarizes the top 10 points of interest from the 9/11 hearings. my favorites:

richard_clarke.gif

10. Every time Richard Clarke was asked a question, he'd give a short answer and then face the camera and say, "But you'll have to buy my book to get the FULL story."

9. It was determined that the only way to stop terrorism is to do something about it.

8. While terrorism is now a big focus of the government, they are still ignoring the looming ninja threat.
. . .
4. Heh heh. The former National Security Advisor's name is "Sam Berger". Does he have brother named "Cheese"?

3. Richard Clarke is adamant that, if we only were able to find out about the 9/11 plot and arrest everyone involved, we might have been able to prevent it.

2. Clinton's search for Osama was far behind his search for poontang.

And the number one point of interest from the 9/11 Hearings...

The threat of terrorists trying their hardest to kill us all can actually be a boring topic when discussed in a committee.

can you imagine if they actually officially concluded #2 and put it in some formal report?

you KNOW everyone's thinking it.

for more serious treatment of the 9/11 hearings and clarke's testimony, try jeff jarvis [via instapundit]

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March 09, 2004

McDonald's and "Healthy Food"

Drudge linked to this hilarious article today, which you don't really need to read since the title says it all:

McDonald's Salad Has More Fat Than Cheeseburger

Posted by doug at 02:37 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 28, 2004

donny osmond: still a dork

donny osmond is matt krebs in 30 years

maybe you can't tell from the picture...here's a bigger one with the interesting portions highlighted. donny's working arsenio's signature fist pump, and marie...well...let's just say she got her outfit from a humble wyoming trapper back when tassled leather was 'in'. but hey, who cares if the osmonds are dorks? the honoree at the event (a big donor to the university) seems happy. [story]

and let us not forget that now-famous pepsi commercial:

KELLY OSBOURNE: Dad?
OZZIE OSBOURNE: Not now. I'm just...
KELLY OSBOURNE: We really want to show you something.
OZZIE OSBOURNE: I have got something to do. I'm trying to...
JACK OSBOURNE: You really should see this.
OZZIE OSBOURNE: What is it then? What is it?
JACK OSBOURNE: These aren't Pepsis. They're Pepsi Twists.
OZZIE OSBOURNE: You're a bunch of bloody magicians.
KELLY OSBOURNE: And we're not the Osbournes.
OZZIE OSBOURNE: You're not?
DONNY OSMOND, MUSICIAN: We're the Osmonds.
MARIE OSMOND, MUSICIAN: We're the Osmonds.
MARIE OSMOND: I'm a little bit country.
DONNY OSMOND: I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll.
OZZIE OSBOURNE: Sharon!

Posted by travis at 12:18 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

February 13, 2004

quote of the day

for sports fans who wonder HOW playing and watching these trivial games can be SO satisfying, george will provides an explanation:

Sport—strenuous competition structured and restrained by rules—replicates the challenge of freedom and satisfies the human hunger for coherence. [article]

yes, perhaps. but what about those of us who are sports fans for the chance to catch a glimpse of one of janet jackson's knockers?

um. i need to clarify. i hate the NFL halftime show. i hate it because it takes away from the pure beauty of the sport. this year was a perfect example. i like what george will said because it is right. i agree with the coherence idea. and the zen idea (mine). those are some of the results from my search for meaning in sports.

i hate janet jackson's hooter. i hate michael jackson's nose. i hate everything about all the jacksons.

Posted by travis at 08:09 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Letter in Newsweek from intern...but could it be "that intern"?

In a bizarre twist of irony, a letter is slated to appear in this week's Newsweek:

Howard Fineman characterizes John Kerry as one who "can seem aloof, condescending and soporific." When I met Kerry in 1997 my opinion could not have been more different. I was a summer intern for Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois and ran into Kerry on the "subway" that connects the Capitol building to the various congressional office buildings. Seated across from me in the subway car, Kerry greeted me with a genuine smile, asked my name, who I was working for and how I was enjoying my summer in Washington. Then he thanked me for giving my time to work in the Senate. He was on his way to the Senate floor, had a ton of papers in his hand and obviously did not need to take the time to make an intern feel appreciated, but he did. And I was very impressed by that. Many of the other senators on Capitol Hill treated interns with more of a "get out of my way" attitude. They were condescending and aloof. Mostly they just ignored us. But some were friendly and warm, and seemed genuinely appreciative of the time we donated. John Kerry was one of them.

Tara K. Dix
Chicago, Ill.

My analysis:

If this is dumb luck: I chuckle.
If someone at Newsweek was getting back at "Tara": The devil chuckles.
If this is "that intern": Even Dan from tinypineapple will be chuckling.

UPDATE: The name of "the Kerry intern" is out now, and this letter is not from her.

Posted by doug at 12:05 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

January 28, 2004

R. Kelly & Michael

This is too good to be made up.

January 28, 2004 — A Cook County judge has given R-and-B star R-Kelly permission to travel to Los Angeles to attend next month's Grammy Awards -- but he can't associate with pop star Michael Jackson.
Read the whole story

Posted by doug at 02:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

January 22, 2004

Bill Maher on Howard Dean

Bill Maher had this to say about Howard Dean's recent let-me-list-the-states-Yeeeaaaarrrggh outburst:

"...appropriate if you're a crystal meth addict at a Don King weight in."
Ouch.

Posted by doug at 01:07 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

January 20, 2004

Be scared, be very very scared

If you have never seen a grown man nosedive into self-induced madness, then help yourself to this video clip of Howard Dean.

Click here to laugh, and be scared.

Posted by doug at 01:27 AM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

January 08, 2004

life on mars?

we may never know....

mars.bmp

via american realpolitik

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December 20, 2003

quote of the day

in the controversy over whether the proposed "freedom tower" at the world trade center site will be the world's tallest building (or whether its uninhabitable parts are too significant to count toward the total height) a notable quotation was overheard:

One outspoken critic of the redevelopment at ground zero, John Lumea of the Phoenix Project, said, "The world's tallest building moniker is a shibboleth of feel-good boosterism perpetrated by rebuilding officials who have nothing else to offer the public but a P.R. campaign."

those are three words i particularly enjoy: moniker, shibboleth, and boosterism.

Posted by travis at 01:23 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 10, 2003

clinton endorses dean over clinton in 2008

lieberman, left, and dean, far, far left

this week, al gore officially endorsed howard dean for president, surprising those who assumed he would support joseph lieberman, a former running mate of his.

UPDATE: scott ott compares the switch to the biblical story of jacob and esau. [link]

now, in yet another twist to the democratic party soap opera, former president bill clinton has pre-emptively announced his support for howard dean in the 2008 election, even if his wife, hillary, runs for president, too.

when asked how he could endorse any candidate over his own wife, clinton replied,

well, we actually aren't that close. i haven't really spoken to her since...well, you know, that stuff that never happened. last time i saw her, she couldn't breathe, gasping for air. i told her i needed a beer and took off for monica's house. we haven't spoken since.

so, yeah. we ain't even that close. i figure if two people as close as al and joe can go different ways, so can hillary and i.

i really like howard dean's foreign policy ideas! he's made some major advances since the clintonian renaissance, when we used to rule the world by lobbing missles at tents and caves. he's going to clean up the whole mess bush has created with the reasonable islamic activists by just giving in to their demands peacefully. what cutting-edge policy!

on the phone from their top-secret headquarters at the greenbriar hotel in west virginia, the "hillary-2008!" campaign had no comment on her husband's endorsement, except to say,

hillary has no intention of running for president in 2008, unless, of course, she'd have the power to pass an anti-sodomy law in the zip code where bill is living.

the us supreme court has agreed to look into the matter for ms. clinton.

hillary.finger

Posted by travis at 12:06 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

December 09, 2003

miserable failure

there is a google-bombing war going on in the blogosphere. it was started by a bloke or two who thought dick gephardt was right to label a certain president a "miserable failure." he encouraged others to link the words "miserable failure" to an official website of an american president (who shall, for the moment, remain nameless).

other, more astute and moral bloggers (1) (2) (3) have suggested the likes of jimmy "appeasement" carter and bill "the meaning of is is" clinton as better bearers of the "miserable failure" mantle.

yes! much better choices. no question about that.

but i'd like to make another point here. sure, both bill clinton and jimmy carter are miserable failures, but politics is not the only realm in which one can fail miserably.

we need to consider the most consistent perennial loser, whatever the field or endeavor. so, who do i believe is the worst miserable failure in the history of miserable failures? (well, not counting the french. they're almost cliche at this point). who can never win, who seems jinxed, who can't get a break from even their closest supporters?

cublogo2.gif

the cubbies. you guys suck. and here's my attempt to steady the googlebomb:

miserable failure

miserable failures

see also our poll in the right sidebar. make your voice heard.

Posted by travis at 07:15 AM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

December 05, 2003

kim jung il's blog

what would the world be like if the world's leaders (like kim jung-il, saddam hussein, george bush, and dick cheney) all carried on instant messenger conversations like old friends? it would probably be like this, which is to say, VERY FUNNY:

im21.jpg

this site is HI-LARIOUS. i haven't laughed this hard in...well, i try to laugh hard every day, to clean out my duodenum. but this site did it for me today. if you have a few minutes to spare, check it out. you will not be disappointed.

Posted by travis at 02:29 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 03, 2003

rumsfeld voted most baffling

from fox news:

rummy

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has won this year's "Foot in Mouth" award for the most baffling statement by a public figure.

The prize went to Rumsfeld for this logic-twister he gave at a press briefing on Iraq:

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns, there are things we know we know," Rumsfeld said.

"We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

"We think we know what he means," said Plain English Campaign spokesman John Lister. "But we don't know if we really know."

thanks to RZ and ZZ for the link.

for humorous caricatures (in story form) of rummy and the whole bush white house, visit frank j's "in my world" column.

Posted by travis at 04:34 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 20, 2003

liberated iraqis taunt saddam

until the blogosphere reaches iraq's general population, iraqis have taken to writing their opinions on the walls.

baghdad graffiti

Samplings of the Arabic slogans include: "Down Saddam the infidel and long live Bush the believer!" "A thousand Americans but not one Tikriti," referring to residents of Hussein's hometown.

Many taunt the deposed dictator: "Saddam the dirty, the son of the dirty, in which septic tank are you hiding now?"

Hussein's family also comes in for abuse: "Where are your wife and daughters, Saddam? Are you pimping them in Jordan?"

"I like what I read," said Karal Nadji, a Shia street vendor who sells shoes. "We appreciate Mr. Bush. We're all waiting for the fruits of change." [source]

like mr. nadji, i, too, like what i read. i felt similarly when i saw this iraqi message to "human shields" a few months ago:

iraqis don't hesitate to taunt idiots

hooray for democracy, whiskey, and sexy! and free speech!

via instapundit

Posted by travis at 11:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 14, 2003

a warning or an advertisement?

students with early morning classes in the eyring science center will be getting quite a treat this week:

stripping

i know what you're all thinking...

thanks to heather farnsworth, for the pic.

Posted by travis at 05:21 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

November 09, 2003

dems call for saudi pullout

the bombing killed 17 and injured over 100.  several children are among the casualties.

following another horrific bombing in riyadh, saudi arabia this week, the nine or so 2004 democratic presidential hopefuls are making an emotional plea for the saudi royal family to be withdrawn from the war-torn country.

"the saudis are easy targets for terrorists. it's a guerrilla war...it's another vietnam" said senator john kerry, himself a vietnam veteran, and a man with connections to the reputable heinz fortune.

"we've got to get the sauds out of there now and bring them home safe and with honor" added ambassador carol moseley-braun.

"if president bush keeps the saudi rulers there even one more day, we will know it was all about the oil from the start" added michael moore, who has just announced his candidacy for president. mr. moore, a director of fanciful films he likes to call "documentaries," will be running as the candidate of the recently created "liver and onions party." when asked how he expects his party to do against traditionally insignificant fringe parties such as the greens and the communists, moore responded only with: "yum. the taste speaks for itself, man!"

representative dick gephardt has not had much to say about the bombing in particular, but would like to remind america that president bush is a "miserable failure" (5x): "if i was president, we would (1) not have committed our saudis to fighting this unwinnable war, (2) have had way more than a measly 7.2% economic growth in the third quarter, and (3) have created more than a meager quarter of a million jobs in the last two months."

democratic and L&O party hopefuls all DO seem to agree on two things: (1) if we simply leave the terrorists alone, they will go away peacefully and (2) howard dean is a rascist.

in related news, al-jazeera has announced a new contest to honor the "terrorist(s) of the day." the contest's inaugural winners are the men who carried out the most recent bombing in riyadh. contest organizers hope to inspire excellence in the growing and increasingly competitive corps of terrorists because, "they really only get one shot at this. the first time has got to be good." officials at the arabic news network also note "it will be unlikely that there will be any repeat recipients of this award."

i reprint the last two links for you, both from the detroit daily news:

Even those of us who don't like numbers should be able to understand these:

The economy grew at an annual rate of 7.2 percent in the third quarter. The Standard & Poor's 500 is up more than 30 percent since March. General Motors Corp.'s booked a 14-percent return on its pension fund assets, meaning the "legacy costs" albatross we heard so much about looks a lot less burdensome than it did a year or so ago.

This is good for Michigan, scrambling as it is for ways to reverse the disappearance of jobs, a decline in state revenue and the political fallout of it all. It's also good for Detroit's automakers, even if it doesn't quite feel like it yet.

The snarky among us may remain unimpressed by such developments, the twisted political calculus goes, because anything that undermines the Bush administration, demonizes Republicans and discredits business trumps whatever might be construed as helping the White House.

To wit: Who cares about the hottest quarter of economic growth since 1984 when the unemployment rate is 6.1 percent nationally and 7.4 percent in Michigan? We've lost 3 million jobs. The budget deficit has exploded. Corporate scandals have mounted. America's standing around the world has been damaged, and U.S. soldiers keep dying in Iraq.

Never mind, apparently, that unemployment lags economic recovery. Or that free trade, improving technology, political liberalization in once totalitarian states and China's entry into the World Trade Organization contributed to job erosion. Or that deficits are fueled by sharply higher defense spending after the September 11 attacks and sagging capital-gains tax receipts.

Politics in an election year being what they are, players on both sides will use whatever data they can to score points against the other side while ignoring what doesn't help them. The more the facts go against one side, the more likely the other will play dirty out of desperation.

Let's try this again: 7.2 percent growth is huge. Consumers are spending. Businesses are investing again after a three-year hiatus. Corporate profits are improving. Opening your mutual fund statements is no longer cause for grabbing your chest and canceling your vacation.

Happy days aren't quite here again. Then, too, we shouldn't underestimate what appears to be happening and how it's likely to benefit the engines of the local and regional economy.

First, national growth historically is good for Michigan because Michigan builds things people and businesses buy: cars and trucks in Detroit, home appliances in Benton Harbor and office furniture in Grand Rapids.

Second, surging equity prices reverse the declines in personal paper wealth and ease the pension liabilities weighing on GM, Ford Motor Co. and DaimlerChrysler AG's Chrysler Group. The longer the run, the better it should be and the less you'll hear about crushing "legacy costs."

Third, the economic updraft is coming as Detroit's automakers are preparing a blitz of new cars and trucks -- between 25 and 40, depending on how you count them -- that generally will be cheaper to build, meaning incentives shouldn't take as big a bite out of the bottom lines.

It is the economy, stupid, and right now more things are headed in the right direction than the wrong one. --Daniel Howe

- - - - - - -

WASHINGTON -- The U.S. economy gained jobs for a third month in October, and the unemployment rate fell to 6 percent, giving fuel to a recovery that started two years ago.

Payrolls rose by 126,000 last month, almost twice as much as expected, the Labor Department said Friday. Revisions raised the number of jobs gained in September to 125,000, and August changed from a decline to a 35,000 gain. The jobless rate fell from 6.1 percent, the first decline since August.

The fastest pace of economic expansion in 19 years, rising productivity and profit gains have positioned companies to start hiring again. The increased payrolls may also encourage more household spending after consumers used up tax refunds and the proceeds from refinancing mortgages.

"All the pieces of a typical expansion are falling into place," said Louis Crandall, chief economist at Wrightson ICAP LLC, in Jersey City, New Jersey, before the report. "We are using up other available resources very quickly at this point, so that will lead to a need for increased labor."

Payrolls in services, the largest part of the economy, rose. Manufacturing employment had the smallest decline in more than three years.

The job numbers, after more than a week of favorable reports on manufacturing, services and consumer sentiment, may also help President George W. Bush fight criticism about his handling of the economy going into next year's election.


Expectations


Economists had expected payrolls would rise by 65,000 last month after a previously reported increase of 57,000 in September, according to the median of 68 forecasts in a Bloomberg News survey. Forecasts had ranged from no gain to 150,000 jobs added. Economists had projected the unemployment rate would hold at 6.1 percent.

Services accounted for all the gains.

Employment in service-producing industries, which include retailers, banks and government agencies, rose by 143,000 last month after gaining by 138,000 the previous month. The increase was led by a 56,000 rise in education and health services employment. A 43,000 rise in business and professional services, which include temporary employment agencies, contributed to the rise as well.

Average weekly hours worked for all employees rose to 33.8 hours in October from 33.7 the prior month. Economists had expected hours would rise to 33.8 hours, according to the Bloomberg News survey.

A longer workweek may be a precursor to future hiring, economists said.


Jobs 'Revival'


Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said yesterday he expects hiring to increase as companies begin rebuilding inventories depleted during the July-September quarter, when the 7.2 growth pace for the economy was the fastest in 19 years.

The economy has lost more than 1 million jobs since the last recession ended in November 2001, and more than 2.6 million since Bush took office in January 2001, based on Labor Department figures before today's release.

"The odds, however, do increasingly favor a revival of job creation," Greenspan told the Securities Industry Association yesterday in a televised speech.

Factory employment declined for a 39th month. Manufacturers shed 24,000 jobs last month, the fewest since July 2000, the last time there was an increase. Factory job losses have averaged 53,000 a month for the previous 12 months.

The manufacturing workweek held at 40.5 hours. Overtime held at 4.2 hours.

Incomes increased last month. Workers' average hourly earnings rose 0.1 percent, or 1 cent, after no change the previous month. Economists had expected a 0.2 percent increase in hourly wages. Average weekly earnings rose to $522.55 last month from $520.67 in September.


Economic Growth


Consumer spending grew the most in six years during the third quarter, while business investment in equipment and software rose at the fastest pace since the first quarter of 2000, Commerce Department figures showed last week.

The economy is expected to grow at a 4 percent annual rate this quarter and maintain that pace next year, according to the median estimate of economists surveyed by Bloomberg News this month. The U.S., the world's biggest economy, grew at an average 3.6 percent pace during the record 10-year expansion from 1991 to 2001.

"We are looking forward to that acceleration in the economy in our business area, so we are actually hiring at a fairly strong clip right now," said Irwin Jacobs, chief executive of Qualcomm Inc., in a radio interview with Bloomberg News yesterday. "We are having to do more research and development, and we have been adding people to do that."


Claims


San Diego-based Qualcomm, a maker of mobile-telephone technology, said fiscal fourth-quarter net income rose 53 percent. The company raised the forecast for first-quarter sales.

Gains in payrolls may be accelerating this month. First-time claims for unemployment insurance benefits dropped to the fewest since January 2001, which was two months before the economy slumped into recession, the Labor Department reported yesterday.

If claims stay close to that level, "we will probably be revising up our expectations of job growth over the next quarter or two," said Robert Mellman, an economist at J.P. Morgan Securities Inc. in New York, before the report. J.P. Morgan economists are currently projecting an average of 75,000 jobs will be created a month in the next couple of quarters.

"We are currently actively hiring," said Alfred Mockett, chief executive officer of American Management Systems Inc., a Fairfax, Virginia, provider of consulting services to government agencies and businesses, in an interview Tuesday. "Just based on our current backlog and pipeline, we are going to have to step up our hiring as we go into next year. I can foresee a situation where the whole industry is going to get into recruitment mode next year."


Productivity


Mockett said he would like to see the economy grow in the 4 percent to 5 percent range this quarter to be more certain the recovery is sustainable. American Management announced in July that it was cutting jobs amid a decline in second-quarter revenue.

Companies are adding workers after reaching the limit of what they can obtain from their present staff. Productivity surged to an 8.1 percent annual rate of growth last quarter after a 7 percent gain in the previous three months, the Labor Department reported yesterday.

"The combination of faster growth in demand and slowing productivity growth should lead, in the next few quarters, to increased hiring," Fed Governor Ben Bernanke told participants in an investment outlook conference in Pittsburgh yesterday.


Profits


Productivity has grown at a 7 percent annual pace or higher during 27 quarters since the end of World War II. In the subsequent three-month periods, it dropped to an average of 1.9 percent growth while companies hired an average of 462,000 workers. Hiring declined in just four instances, the last being the third quarter of this year.

Companies are more open to the possibility of taking on staff because earnings are rebounding. Of the 430 S&P 500 members that have reported third-quarter results so far, profits rose an average of 21.4 percent, according to Thomson Financial. Profits will swell 21.8 percent in the fourth quarter and 12.4 percent in 2004, according to analysts surveyed by the company.

"Companies are posting sales positions," said Jeff Taylor, founder and chief executive of Monster Worldwide Inc.'s Monster.com, the biggest U.S. Internet site for employment advertising, in a television interview with Bloomberg News yesterday. "This is critical because it means companies have confidence in the future. We see a heavy amount of small- and medium-sized company postings."


Blacks, Teenagers


Among blacks, the unemployment rate rose to 11.5 percent from 11.2 percent in September. The jobless rate for Hispanics decreased to 7.2 percent from 7.5 percent and for whites fell to 5.1 percent from 5.3 percent.

For teenagers, unemployment dropped to 17.1 percent last month from 17.5 percent. The jobless rate for women fell to 5.2 percent from 5.3 percent. The jobless rate for men decreased to 5.6 percent from 5.7 percent.

The optimism among employers isn't uniform.

"Most companies are going to wait to see if this is sustainable" before hiring in earnest, said John Chambers, chief executive of Cisco Systems Inc., the world's largest maker of equipment to link computers, in an interview this week.

They will start by spending more on equipment and software and "then they are going to start spending on their hiring" a couple of quarters later, he said. Sales at Cisco, based in San Jose, California, were the highest in almost three years." --carlos torres

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November 05, 2003

If only he could have been the French-looking Kerry

This beauty from Reuters today:

Dog shoots man
November 6, 2003

A French hunter was shot by his dog after he left a loaded shotgun in the boot of his car with two dogs and one of the animals accidentally stepped on the trigger, police said today.

The man, from the village of Espelette in the Basque region, was admitted to hospital in the nearby town of Bayonne on Monday with injuries to his hip.

"As he was driving along, one of his dogs accidentally set off the gun," said a police official.

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October 31, 2003

law schools to offer new class: "escape tactics"

As the Robert Blake hearing was under way inside a Los Angeles courthouse Friday, there was a shooting outside.  Police say Jerry Curry, 53, was conscious and breathing as he arrived at a hospital for treatment.  He was shot several times in the upper body by a client. The shooter is in custody, while Curry is in stable condition.  MSNBC reported that the client yelled, 'You took my money. That's what you get,' as he shot at the lawyer.  He shot a small handgun as the lawyer tried to hide behind a tree.  An off-duty deputy then jumped on the shooter about 10 seconds after the shooting, and was joined by courthouse security personnel in subduing the shooter.  The lawyer then staggered around the shooting scene before collapsing.  The shooting occurred as a phalanx of camera crews were outside the courthouse covering the Blake case.

several top law schools have announced they will offer a new class beginning next fall. the class will be called "escape tactics in the legal profession", and alan dershowitz of harvard law school says it may be the "most useful class" a perspective lawyer can take:

"more and more nowadays there is a need for practicioners of law to to litigate and elude, to bill and bolt, to rake-off and run, if you will. of course, we could try not to being conniving weasels, or perhaps charging reasonable fees, but i believe asking that of lawyers is imprudent. our best recourse is a sound education in the lost art of the escape."

dershowitz and others admit they were inspired by attorney jerry curry's recent performance outside a van nuys, california courtroom. the "exquisite 'bob and weave'" (as a gushing dershowitz describes it) was caught on tape by courtTV cameras covering the robert blake trial.

"his deft use of the tree there...that was brilliant. if i had used that move more, i could've gotten away with...well, let's just say A LOT MORE LOOT without quite so many unsightly injuries. for example, i have received a glass eye, a prosthetic ear, and a silicone soul implant--all wounds i have incurred for being a lying SOB. ha! well, it's all in a day's work!" confessed a placid dershowitz, who then added, "i--and lawyers like me--should thank jerry curry for demonstrating how to avoid getting what's coming to us."

--------
this post has also been published at midwest pundits

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October 30, 2003

the great pop vs. soda controversy

today, when i should've been writing a philosophy paper, i stumbled across this thing:

pop.gif

Since the earliest research into the the English Language as spoken in North America was begun by Noah Webster in the early 18th century, the regional variations in dialect have always been the most challenging and difficult to explain field. Since the development of carbonated beverage in 1886, one of linguistic geography's most important and least investigated phenomena has been the sharp regional divisions in the use of the terms "pop" and "soda."

this is something my displaced college friends (notably melissa) and i have been searching for long and hard: statistical evidence of regional differences in soft drink terminology. visit the official web site to participate in the one-question survey. at the site there is another, more useful map:

This research uses CGI scripts written in Perl to gather and process the incoming data, and displays the results on [a map like this] using a Java applet.

i just went and submitted myself to the survey. as a kentuckian, i was forced to admit that when faced with the choices "pop", "soda", "coke", and "other", i am most comfortable with the word "coke."

the ugly truth has come out after all these years.

afterthought: perhaps we can use this data to show us the most culturally polarized areas of the country, or maybe predict where lines will be drawn for a future civil war. if the latter becomes us, we may need to look no further than the turbulent intersection of NW new mexico, NW texas, and SE colorado. [view]

chihuahuas.bmp

there, you will notice, staunch pop, soda, and coke enthusiasts (respectively) are lined up in neighboring counties like rabid dogs separated by a precarious idealogical fence.

the same thing is happening in southwestern alaska with the "soda", "coke", and "other" lobbies. [view] i can hear the words of warning as if they were spoken yesterday..."an alaska divided against itself cannot stand!" and "a group of three podunk counties in the middle of nowhere divided against each other CAN. NOT. STAND!"

things are NOT looking good, people.

mark my words: prepare for the worst.

the writing is ON THE WALL.

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October 27, 2003

california quagmire

fires continue to blaze out of control in california, having burned out an area about half the size of the state of rhode island according to one estimate. the terrible disaster comes as a shock to the republican administration that recently declared an end to major conflict in the state.

in fact, more people are dying every day in this quagmire that can only be compared to the disaster in vietnam. opinion journalist, helen thomas, has skillfully opined, "it is not ours to just die, but ours to reason why!" one would hope US leadership would consider her objective appeal to reason.

environmentalists are calling the fires 'the scourge god is sending to destroy SUV drivers.'  arabs are calling it either a zionist plot of the mossad or a punishment from allah for supporting israel.

ten fires have killed 20 and destroyed more than 800 homes, but governor schwarzenneger maintains that things in california are improving.

some believe the fires are being orchestrated by ousted leader gray davis, and many residents of san francisco and hollywood are beginning to wonder if we can really "win the peace". they are asking whether california would have been better off without the recent takeover. but the administration contends most californians are pleased with the regime change. they say their efforts to restore order are being sabotaged by suicide fire-starters who are slipping over the border from the neighboring rogue state of berkeley.

responding to this latest outbreak of destruction, officials have stepped up security at such high-risk places as the el al israel desk at LAX.

still unaccounted for are some $38 billion. democrats say if the money is not found, the invasion of california could prove to be unjustifiable. the republican administration claims that the search is being carried out in a state the size of california, and thus may take some time.

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October 18, 2003

democrats questioning wisdom of recall

nancy pelosi:  defender of poor government the world over

it has been two months since a controversial recall in liberia prematurely ended the term of governing president charles taylor. now some democrats are questioning whether such a recall was even constitutional. "i don't know if we're setting a dangerous precedent here," said nancy pelosi, one very astute politician. "the people spoke once by electing him. i don't know what else you need to hear from them. i say let the man govern, and stop being so PICKY about how he does it!"

gyude bryant, the new leader of the economically ravished state has promised his administration will be a government of the people. bryant, who, like hitler, is from the eastern hemisphere, once said he admire hitler's speaking style.

democrats fear empowering a leader who "admires" an evil dictator's speaking style could cause rolling blackouts or perhaps job losses in the tech sector. they advise against the recall, and still maintain that gore won florida.

DNC chairman terry mcauliffe noted there could be political backlash from the recall in the 2004 presidential elections. he said, "with charles taylor gone, people will focus their anger at all the killings in the world on president bush, the man who is clearly responsible for them ALL!"

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above: satire
below: a seriously good piece by mark steyn on the california recall:

You gotta admire the way the media stayed on the Democrats' sinking California ship right to the very end. On the CNN website, even after Gray Davis had conceded, they were sticking to the loser's talking-points: "Schwarzenegger, who, like Hitler, is a native of Austria..." CNN? Oh, that's that network with Larry King, who, like the Son of Sam, is a native of Brooklyn.

Used to be owned by Ted Turner, who, like the Cincinnati Strangler, is a native of Cincinnati. Now part of Time Warner, founded by the Warner Brothers, the oldest of whom, Harry Warner, like many Auschwitz guards, was a native of Poland.

Anyway, the good news is that residents of the Golden Reich still have the right to recall their new fuhrer from his bunker in Sacramento, and he probably won't make Jews wear yellow stars and gays wear pink triangles because the fabric costs for Hollywood and San Francisco alone would double the deficit.

But even on the day after, the Dems wouldn't lay off the Nazi cracks. "It was the triumph of the swill," said Paul Maslin, in an allusion to the late Leni Riefenstahl's Hitler-glorifying documentary Triumph of the Will. Arnold's not just a Nazi, he's Nazi garbage! Maslin is Gray Davis's pollster. Maybe he should poll-test his jokes.

Incidentally, if there was any triumph of the swill in this election, it was surely Maslin's remarkable success in persuading so many media outlets to buy into the Gray Davis spin that their "internal polls" showed the race was "tightening." Hence, hilarious headlines like theWashington Post's on Election Day: "On Eve Of Vote, California Race Remains Fluid" – "fluid" in the sense that Cruz Bustamante's defeat might be merely humiliating instead of shattering?

Either Maslin was intentionally shoveling swill at the Los Angeles Times and his other chums or he's an incredibly bad pollster. Given that there were similar discrepancies between alleged Democratic "internal polls" and the real world in November 2002, either explanation could be valid. But the press bought the Democratic spin and in turn the Democrats bought the subsequent media spin. Both parties bolstered each other's delusions.
As I wrote after last year's elections: "Remind me never to complain about 'liberal media bias' again. Right now, liberal media bias is conspiring to assist the Democrats to sleepwalk over the cliff."

But 10 minutes after the polls had closed, the Dems and the media were once again rocketing off to Planet Bananas. Before Election Day, the official line was that the recall was part of a pattern of hard-line Republican subversion of the democratic process, going back through the Florida recount to the Clinton impeachment. In an about-turn so fast poor old DNC honcho Terry McAuliffe must have gotten whiplash, the new line was that the recall reflected a voter anger against incumbents that would spell disaster for Bush next year. And even as I lay on the floor howling with laughter, up there on CNN Judy Woodruff & Co. were taking it seriously. That would be the Judy Woodruff who, like 1970s serial killer Lendell Hunter, is a native of Augusta, Georgia.

JUST IN case any Democrats have come back down to Planet Earth, here's what happened on Tuesday: The two Republican candidates – Schwarzenegger and Tom McClintock – pulled 62 percent of the vote between them; the Democrat, Cruz Bustamante, got 31.7 percent. The remaining 6 percent was divided among the other 132 candidates. Just to recap: Republicans 62 percent, Democrats 31.7 percent – in the most liberal state in the nation.
As long as all those angry voters keep expressing their anger by voting for Republicans over Democrats by two to one, I think I can live with it.

At Thursday's Democratic Presidential debate, Jeff Greenfield asked the candidates why it was that only 34 percent of Americans identified themselves as Democrats – the lowest number since before the New Deal.

"You're looking at the glass as half-empty, I look at it as half-full," said former House minority leader Dick Gephardt, demonstrating the command of basic math that has made the federal budget what it is. The Democratic glass isn't half-empty, it's two-thirds empty.

Let us take the Davis/Bustamante campaigns at face value: The Republicans said it was all about business and taxes and growth; the Dems said it was about whether Arnie was a Nazi sex fiend.
OK, let's take that as seriously as Katie Couric and the rest of the gang did. Every day I get a gazillion e-mails screaming "BUSH IS A NAZI!!!!" Also Cheney, Rumsfeld, even yours truly: We're all Nazis. In California, an accident of birth gave the Democrats the opportunity to run with the Nazi hysteria literally. It flopped spectacularly.
As in 2002, they tried to motivate their base by linking the recall to the Florida recount. It flopped, again.

As in 2002, they flew in Bill Clinton to whip up the crowd, at least until the groping stories started. He flopped, again – as he did two years ago when Democratic gubernatorial candidates in Florida and Maryland were holding their own until the Big He turned up to rally the crowd.

As always, they did the big ethnic pander, damning Republican views on illegal immigration as "racist." Amazingly, even this flopped. The Hispanic vote declined to fall in line behind one of their own, and over 30 percent went for Arnie.
Nazi! Racist! Don't forget Florida! Here's Bill Clinton! It's not much of a message, is it?
And, if the party's short of ideas, it's even shorter of stars. The fact that in the most populous state in the nation the two leading Democrats are Gray Davis and Cruz Bustamante is as telling as anything. The gubernatorial pool is where you look for presidential talent, and right now their only star governor is Jennifer Granholm, who can't run for president because she was born in British Columbia.

That's why in Thursday's debate half the presidential candidates are sad-sack senators dulled by decades of deal-making and Beltwayspeak and the other half are goofs and oddballs.
The shortage of talent is so severe they've had to parachute in Wesley Clark, a man who was playing Republican fund-raisers and waving pompons for Bush and Cheney the day before yesterday.

Gen. Clark's star power seemed to have dimmed to a 30-watt bulb by Thursday. The Clark "bandwagon" is like those Gray Davis "tightening" numbers. Do you really think he'll make it through to New Hampshire?

Oh, well. If I were a Dem, I'd go with Howard Dean. Even if he loses, he'll de-Clintonize the party along the way, which ought to be the most important priority.

Otherwise, it's all down to Sen. Rodham Clinton in 2008 – or, as Paul Maslin would put it, the triumph of the Hill.

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October 07, 2003

letter to the used car salesman

i am reprinting in honor of my friend, zack, who is just getting into the exciting world of used car peddling.
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Dear Used Car Salesmen of the World,

Having recently shopped for a used car I thought I would point out an area that the vast majority of you could stand to improve in: TRY NOT TO BE THE MOST DISGUSTING SCUMBAGS THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN!

Let me help you out by sharing some examples of my interactions with salesmen. These are actual situations and quotes.

1. You may notice that I call you by your name repeatedly as we talk. This is not because you have won my trust, this is because I am making fun of how you are using my name constantly in an attempt to sound friendly. You would try other methods of sounding friendly but you can't think of any. This is because you have never liked, or been liked by, anyone.

2. When you say, "So give me a price", I will say, "That is funny. I came here because you were selling the car. Somehow in my twisted logic I thought that meant you would know the price". No matter how hard you press, "Tell me what price you need to see, Josh", I will continue to say, "I will need to see your best price, Steve."

3. There is no mystery to why I am looking for a used car. Please don't pretend this is hard to understand. I explained this to a sales manager just last week. "'Josh, why do you want to buy a used CR-V when there are all these new ones on the lot!' 'Well mike [leaning in close and said in a conspiratorial whisper] it just that...the used cars [looking around to make sure no one overheard, Mike leaning in closer]...well, the used ones...They are CHEAPER!'"

4. Your attempts at pressuring me may make me finally say something like I said to one young idiotic salesman, "You may notice that when you say "Well, I guess you are not serious about buying" I wince. I am not wincing because I feel badly about my newly discovered lack of seriousness. I am wincing because I am embarrassed for you and your awkward attempts at pressuring me. You obviously deal with a lot of foolish and easily intimidated people. That is lucky for you, since those are the only kind of people you are qualified to deal with. Goodbye."

I could go on, but I want to help you, not just point out all the reasons you should throw-up everytime you see yourself in the mirror (Wait, do you actually have a reflection?). So, a couple of suggestions.

1. Every morning repeat 15 times. "I will try not to be a sociopath".

2. Watch people who aren't used car salesmen. See how people sometimes like them? Try to be like those people.

3. Strictly observe a national Used Car Salesman Day of Penance. On the last Saturday of each month you should engage in an appropriate activity from sunup to sundown, such as repeatedly poking yourself in the eye, punching yourself in the groin, or hitting your thumb with a hammer (bonus penance for combining all three).

Yours truly,
Josh
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heh. josh is the amish robot, about 4 miles away from me, according to the GEOURL thingy. this reprint is covered by a creative commons license

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October 02, 2003

beantown freeps question A.N.S.W.E.R. peeps

back when the iraq war was in full swing, there was a lot of fun to be had in protesting with (or against) the protesters. if you haven't already (or if you haven't had your sides split with laughter in awhile), check out the numbered links in our right sidebar, just above the picture of helen thomas.

i think protesting like that is kinda cheesy, but when it is done to get a laugh, i can endorse it. our friends at pardonmyenglish.com were part of a free republic crashing of a recent A.N.S.W.E.R. protest, and they have the hilarious pics and stories to prove it. [enjoy]

some funny signs

for your convenience, here are the links to coverage of the earlier protests:

(1)(2)(3)(4)(5)(6)

and if you like making fun of democratic presidential candidates, like one of the fellows with the sign, check out ann coulter's column this week [link]

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September 29, 2003

$500K raised for firefighters

I invite you to read this story on NHL.com. [link]

Comedian, Dennis Leary, and Bruin legends, Bobby Orr and Cam Neely, helped organize a charity game for retired NHL greats and celebrities to raise money for firefighters. They hatched the idea after Leary's cousin, Jeremiah Lucey, and five other Worcester, Massachusetts firefighters lost their lives in the line of duty in December 1999. To date, the event has helped raise over $1.3 million for the Worcester Fire Department.

The event was pleasantly devoid of politics. Well, except for presidential candidate John Kerry scuttling around, whispering to everyone he's a vietnam veteran.

The game was a shootout; the final score: 18-10. There was a lot of joking, and not just about John Kerry looking French or Tim Robbins having political views. Everyone had fun on the ice.

Mr. Hockey, Gordie Howe

"[Michael J.] Fox scored a goal," Leary said. "But his big thrill came in the pre-game warm-up when he passed to Guy LaFleur from the corner. He said, 'Hey Denis, I don't have my glasses, did I just send a pass to Guy Lafleur?'

It was a little faster than most of these charity games, and a lot of dipsey-doodle.

I come off after a shift and I can barely breathe and Gordie Howe starts telling me a story about a fight he was in 30 years ago. I said to myself, 'This is great, fantastic.'"

Mr. Hockey, Gordie Howe, served as coach for Leary's team. Fans admitted their only disappointment of the evening was that, with Howe behind the bench, the knave, Robbins, escaped being felled by one of Gordie's famous elbows.

[this post can also be read at midwestpundits.com, courtesy of a new affiliation i have with that blog]

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September 22, 2003

things computer geeks find fascinating

occasionally i find myself browsing the zeitgeist, a collection of "search patterns, trends, and surprises" compiled by the nerds at google. sometimes the stuff there is interesting. but sometimes....

you get something like this.

wow, looks like w32.blaster.worm beat out remote procedure call after all!  i guess you win the bet, dudley.  here's my magic card collection.

Fun Fact...
August 2003
-----------------------------------------------------
Last month, a computer virus spread that affected Microsoft software applications. This virus had many different names. Among the most popular were:


wow! "W32.blaster.worm" beat out "remote procedure call" by nearly 2 to 1! unbelievable! and "msblast" beat them all! haha! computers are FUN!

Posted by travis at 10:05 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

September 05, 2003

drugs, crime, and johnny cochran

the new york times reports

The federal appeals court in San Francisco yesterday overturned the death sentences of more than 100 prisoners in three states because judges rather than juries had made the crucial factual determinations in sentencing them to death.
...
Yesterday's decision involved Warren Summerlin, who is on death row in Arizona for killing a bill collector and who challenged his death sentence on a number of grounds.
...
Judge Marquardt had admitted to heavy marijuana use around the time he sentenced Mr. Summerlin to death. "If the allegations concerning Judge Marquardt are true, Summerlin's fate was determined by a drug-impaired judge."

funny, coming from the party that wants marijuana legalized.

let the murderer off! who cares about the facts?

in the future, being fried on marijuana will not be allowed by sentencing judges, except in the cases of men charged with committing murder under the influence of drugs, when it will be required the judge be 'all reefered out' before he passes judgment on the case.

but in this case, no! the murderer was not under the influence of drugs, he was only irked by his mean, nasty bill collector! not a crime!

i can hear johnny cochran now: "if the buddha didn't participate, you must exonerate!" or perhaps, "if there was no hashish, you must release!" or even, "if the s*** was not hit you must acquit!"

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August 26, 2003

Grand Old Party

If only we could have block-parties like this where I live...

Republicans in Harris County, Texas, are holding a Dem-olition Derby.

They're throwing a [grand old] party on Sunday to tear down the recently vacated county Democratic Party headquarters in Houston.

Guests have been asked to bring sledgehammers and other tools of destruction.

The building, which the Democrats had been leasing, was recently sold to a developer, who gave the Republicans permission to raze hell with it.


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August 18, 2003

But what about that smell?

According to the NY Post:

A woman in France has been charged with keeping her elderly mother's skeleton hidden at home for three years so she could continue collecting her mom's pension.

Police made the grisly discovery in a Narbonne apartment. Health officials became concerned when they realized the elderly woman was not getting her prescription medicine.

Apparently, the unseemly odor coming from the apartment didn't alarm anyone, since showers and deodorant are frowned upon in the more enlightened parts of the world.

Posted by doug at 10:13 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 03, 2003

SNL weekend update trivia

3 questions of saturday night live trivia:

(1)d (2)a (3)b

1. how many different weekend update anchors have there been in the history of SNL?

(a) 7
(b) 24
(c) 12
(d) 17

2. who has had the longest stint as weekend update anchor?

(a) dennis miller
(b) kevin nealon
(c) colin quinn
(d) chevy chase

3. which one of these people was never an anchor on weekend update?

(a) christine ebersole
(b) adam sandler
(c) bill murray
(d) christopher guest

questions come from the SNL FAQ. hover your mouse cursor over the picture to see the answers. click on the picture to see more pictures of will ferrell as harry caray.

Posted by travis at 04:39 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

July 26, 2003

original intent

The ACLU has come out with a new ad campaign, as a recent press release attests:

"School may be out, but lessons in civil liberties are continuing in the ACLU's two new national TV ads featuring schoolchildren who question the government's restrictions on basic freedoms in the name of national security."

View the "Founding Father" ad by clicking here. It is a doooozy. (You'll need Real Player to view it.)

This ad, presented in eerie black and white hues, begins with an unseen instructor asking the class "What makes the Constitution so special?"

Young students provide answers.
"It protects our rights."
"Like my right to privacy."
"And my right to free speech."

(We'll ignore for the moment that "privacy" isn't actually in the Constitution, but an "emanation" that was discovered in the past 30 years by the Supreme Court.)

It is at this moment in the thrilling dialogue of 12 year-old Ben Franklins that a young woman starts ranting against a new law that lets "the police search our homes without even telling us...They can force libraries to tell them what you're reading." Another student is grieved that they can find out "what we do on the internet."

(uh-oh...better stop visiting pr0n sites at the library!)

A young girl adds that under the law the government can "find out tons of private info on kids like us and our families."

(Leaving one to only hope that little Suzy's credit report is squeaky clean...what on earth could John Ashcroft find out? That this cute girl is in the hole for $1.35 in milk-money?)

The youngsters then ask: "Wasn't the whole idea of the Constitution to guarantee our rights...and protect us from stuff like that?"

In a dramatic conclusion, a "founding father" emerges from the shadows and sorrowfully proclaims: "That was the original idea."

The humor of this entire shenanigan is that the only pre-pubescents who even know about the "unconstitutional" anti-terrorism laws are those who the ACLU paid to be in the ad.

I will say this though, the ACLU seems to have pulled a lot of punches with the ad text. A few suggestions to liven up the ad:

- The opening question should be "What makes the Constitution so freaking cool?"
- Among the rights rattled off (free speech, privacy, etc), insert a young boy saying "And my right to sodomy."
- A student could be dismayed that the government "can even look at our report cards."
- There is a glaring absence of any obvious Muslim children. At least one needs to be featured complaining that under the law "They even questioned my older brother about his enrollment in flight school with some guy named Atta." To which a young girl can scream "No way!"

The saddest line of the ad comes at the end: "The ACLU....Because freedom can't protect itself."

Don't they get it??? Freedom is protected by the blood and courage of others, not by lawyers who defend the right to burn flags.

Posted by doug at 02:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 23, 2003

dennis miller: a pragmatist, and funny

dennis miller

i've always thought that dennis miller is funny, but recently as i've heard his comedic rants in defense of america, i've come to think even more highly of him. he can make a logical argument and be funny about it. he's one of a few in hollywood who has what the rest of america takes for granted: common sense.

here ESPN's dan patrick interviews miller. its funny. here's a tidbit, DM on parenting:

The danger to me seems like when your kids are spending 12 hours a day building pipe bombs in the garage and you never come down the Bat pole and say, "What's up?" You know...you've got to be there. So when they say, "Let's make pipe bombs now, dad," you go, "No, we're not going to make any pipe bombs."

and on the dumbest sport:

dan patrick: dumbest sport?
dennis miller: Curling. It's like Shirley Booth on methamphetamines. It must be a really sad day in a Canadian boy's life when they say, "You know that great, glamorous sport (hockey) that our whole culture evokes? You can't do it. The same ice that they play that exciting, sexy game on, you've got to sweep it."

"Do I get to wear a uniform?"

"Nah, kid, just sweats."

there is another interview, more serious, perhaps, in the most recent weekly standard (hat-tip to croooow blog). here are my favorite tidbits:

on political parties: "I don't think of myself as a classic conservative," says Miller. "I think of myself as a pragmatist. And these days, pragmatism falls into the conservative camp. We have to depend on ourselves in this country right now because we can't depend on anyone else. We are simultaneously the most loved, hated, feared, and respected nation on this planet. In short, we're Frank Sinatra. And Sinatra didn't become Sinatra playing down for punks outside the Fontainebleau [Hotel]."

on john ashcroft and civil liberties: "With John Ashcroft, the main civil liberty I'm looking to protect is the 'me not getting blown up' one. I don't know if it's written down anywhere in Tom Paine's crib sheets, but that's my big one."

on intervention in liberia: "I think we have to send a few mall cops over, quite frankly. Who's the man in charge over there, Chuck Taylor? Didn't he invent Converse All-Stars? It can't be that hard. Let's send some guys over from Nike and Puma.

and on some 2004 democratic presidential candidates: "I knew Kerry was going to have to run for president because his features are so chiseled, his actual skull could be on Mt. Rushmore. The guy looks like an Easter Island statue in a power tie." [and] "I hope they send Howard Dean out to do battle with Bush because he'll get his ass handed to him quicker than someone who just got out of liposuction surgery."

Posted by travis at 12:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 22, 2003

his true colors shining through

Check out this snapshot of Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle. Whoops! Did we forget how to pledge allegiance?

DaschleLeft.jpg

Ok..Ok...so the picture is a fake. All I can say is that when I learned it wasn't real, I was...disappointed. Very deeply disappointed.

Posted by doug at 09:10 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

July 19, 2003

french vocabulary adjustments

in unprecedented action--taken last week without UN approval--france's culture ministry officially banned the use of the word "e-mail" in official government documents. instead, the word "courriel" (a hybrid of the french words, "courrier" and "electronique") will be used.

but the ministry did not stop there. the french word, "guerre" [war] was outlawed, to be replaced by either "paix" [peace] and "peur" [afraid]. and and "doucher" [v. shower] was also altered. it is something the french never do, so the official phrase will hereby be "l'odeur reste " [the odor remains].

in retaliatory action, the USA announced that, although it cannot afford to remove the multitude of french words from its vocabulary, it will hereby associate all french-origin words with france, and france only. these words include, "cowardice", "surrender", "compromise", "capitulate", "manure", and "garbage," to name a few.

-----
thanks to david for the some choice words and the link.

see also scrappleface: France Assigns New Terms for 'Email' and 'Spam'

Posted by travis at 04:01 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

NBA players to sport commemorative patch

love it live!  but, watch your back after the game!

to commemorate the NBA's storied history, league commissioner david stern announced friday that all NBA players will henceforth don this patch on their game jerseys (see picture at right):

the announcement came after even the league's most squeaky-clean player, kobe bryant, was caught engaging in, then lying about, adultery.

LA lakers coach phil jackson (affectionately known as "reverend zenmaster dimmesdale" among his players) had this to say about the new jersey design:

On the breast of the jersey, in fine red cloth, surrounded by an elaborate embroidery and fantastic flourishes of gold thread, appears the letter A. It is so artistically done, and with so much fertility and gorgeous luxuriance of fancy, that it has all the effect of a last and fitting decoration to the apparel which the players wear; and which is of a splendor in accordance with the taste of our age, but greatly beyond what was allowed by the sumptuary regulations of the league.

stern, however, was willing to forego the league's "sumptuary regulations" because of the prestige associated with the patch: "this is the same scarlet letter worn by our nation's last political and moral role model, bill clinton" stern noted, proudly. "it is now being passed on to the sports icons of america's youth."

Posted by travis at 03:26 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

July 17, 2003

grand canyon finally liberated

ending an embarrassing chapter in american history, the national park service recently ordered the removal of plaques bearing scriptural inscriptions from three grand canyon buildings. we can all thank the ACLU for saving us from ourselves again!

on tuesday, sister delores katharine gallagher of the evangelical sisterhood of mary went to remove the signs her congregation placed in the park 33 years ago.

upon arriving, she was greeted by someone from the ACLU, who helped her see the light of day:

you narrow-minded fundamentalist! it is you and your religous ilk that has spoiled this park for me for the last 33 years! i could hardly see the beauty of the canyon, what with my being harrowed up at the thought of god. granted the words on the plaques were small and hard to read, but still! it was oppression of me as an atheist! well, now i finally have justice! now you hurry up, you old hag, or i'll sue for monetary reparations for those 33 years of hell you and your god-believers-in put me through!

the foolish sister refused to heed the rationally reasoning intellectual. she continued to obnoxiously pester him, in fact asking him a question, "good sir, what are the chances that this beautiful earth, that is biologically perfect for our survival, came about by accident? i believe it was created by god."

not an accident, duh.

the atheist, enraged at being confronted by yet another religious concept, drew back to strike down his oppressor once and for all, "you religious WENCH--" but was restrained by a quick-thinking employee of the park service, an eagle scout from mesa, arizona.

while he was being led away, the atheist continued to unwavering proclaim his sound position, despite the disrespect he was shown by the wicked oppressor, mary katharine, "the creation was just luck...its all just chance and the laws of physics, you brainwashed ninny...."

when he realized he was being restrained by a boy scout, who's organization's motto includes the phrase, "morally straight," he became really flustered--for the first time since his traumatic years in grade school, where he was forced to hear students recite the words, "under god" day after cruel day--

"put me down, you bigoted heterosexual! #%$&*!"

the young, but able boy then suggested to the atheist that he look about him at the beauty and intricacy of the world - at the aerodynamic sweep of a swallow's wing, at the delicacy of flowers and of the butterflies that fertilize them, through a microscope at the teeming life in every drop of pond water, through a telescope at the crown of a giant redwood tree. Reflect on the electronic complexity and optical perfection of your own eyes that do the looking. If you have any imagination, these things will drive you to a sense of awe and reverence. Moreover, you cannot fail to be struck by the obvious resemblance of living organs to the carefully planned designs of human engineers. The argument was most famously expressed in the watchmaker analogy of the eighteenth-century priest William Paley. Even if you don't know what a watch is, the obviously designed character of its cogs and springs and of how they mesh together for a purpose would force you to conclude "that the watch must have had a maker: that there must have existed, at some time, and at some place or other, an artificer or artificers, who formed it for the purpose which we find it actually to answer; who comprehended its construction, and designed its use." If this is true of a comparatively simple watch, how much the more so is it true of the eye, ear, kidney, elbow joint, brain? These beautiful, complex, intricate, and obviously purpose-built structures must have had their own designer, their own watchmaker - God.

surprisingly, in a moment of beautiful reconciliation and forgiveness, this entrenched ACLUer pledged to recant his position and permit the return of the judeo-christian plaques!

"we'll let you put your plaques back up" said the atheist, then smirking, "if we can put up some verses from the koran that might encourage the murder of americans. hahaha!"

in other news, the ACLU has also filed for the phrase, "endowed by their creator" to be removed from the declaration of independence, on grounds of its unconstitutionality.

Posted by travis at 12:44 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 12, 2003

our interesting friends, part II

because we don't want to hog the blog, we're continuing the series, "our interesting friends", where our friends tell us stories. its just like we're sitting around the old-time campfire...except the campfire has a plastic casing and is filled with silicon conductors, and there are none of those pesky mosquitos.

this time its whitney who contributes, sharing an inspiring story about weiner dogs and the will to win:

The Kentucky Derby might be the most exciting two minutes in sports, but
the Weinerschnitzel Weiner Nationals are the most exciting five seconds in sports.

That's right, ladies and gents, this past weekend was the 8th annual
weinerschnitzel weiner nationals. And what are the weiner nationals, you
might ask. Well, it is, of course, weiner dogs racing against each other
for a weinerschnitzel dog house. Oh, and a thousand dollars. Oh, and the
title of 'The fastest weiner in the West'. This is no small time event
either--it takes place at the Los Alamitos horse race track and attracts
thousands of viewers, almost all of which own their own weinie dog that
wears either a miniature blue baseball cap or leopard print visor. So my
family and I went.

We placed our bets-Heidi in the first round, Dougie in
the second and Danke in the third (there were more races than that, but we
didn't bet on any more dogs). This was Dougie's quotation in the racing book:

Dougie wrote: My cousin got to race last year, and he just keeps
braggin' about how much of an honor it was to be around the fastest
dachsunds west of the Mississippi.

None of our dogs won, but let me tell you, it didn't matter. Just watching
the races was prize enough for me. The dogs are placed in this long white
box-with one slot for each dog-and then when the gun goes off, the front of
the box flips up and all the dogs race out. "Speed, smarts and great weiner
dog talent are the keys to victory in this action packed event". The dogs,
of course, are all pumped up...the crowd is cheering, the dogs are
barking...the noise is deafening and 50 yards away is each dogs owner; some
waving towels, some blowing whistles trying in vain to get the dogs
attention. So what does the dog do? Run to its owner? Of course not.

weiner_nationals_97.jpg

Each dog burst out of its box and went insane. Some dogs ran in circles,
some took off the wrong direction, others stood still in bewilderment until
other dogs fell on top of them. And then, amidst the chaotic calamity one
dog would emerge. One weinie dog would bolt across the 50 yards...the crowd
would go wild...and then the dog would cross the finish line and leap into
its owners arms...leaping not only to the owners arms, but leaping to
victory as well. All the other dogs would eventually calm down and trudge
over to his own owner, with his head hung low, knowing that in all the
excitement the chance for a weinerschitzel dog house had slipped out of his
tiny paws.

my family wants to get a dachshund, name him Frankie, and train him for the 2004 wienerschnitzel weiner nationals. See you all at the races!

Posted by travis at 03:08 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 11, 2003

harry potter in trouble with heavy potting soil

jkrowlinghp.bmp

jk rowling, author of the harry potter series (that everyone but me has read), is being sued by the struggling k-mart corporation, maker of a product called "heavy potting soil." k-mart alleges the british author has achieved her success with the series because of the household name:

"everybody has a bag of k-mart's "heavy potting soil" in their garage. the success of miss rowling's books is due, in large part, to the reputation of the k-mart name and its quality products" one k-mart spokesman said thursday.

the supreme court will hear the case after it deals with the spike lee v. spike tv case. [or click here for another perspective on spike]

asked for her thoughts on the pending harry potter v. heavy potting soil case, justice sandra day-o'connor replied, "well, they do sound very similar. but, like always, i'm going to wait and hear what brokaw, jennings, rather, and judy woodruff have to say about the issue before i make my decision. they always seem to know best."

Posted by travis at 03:18 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

bush to head small african nation

in light of his slumping popularity in the polls, and in an effort to squelch criticism that he is uninterested in foreign affairs, president george w bush announced tuesday that he will enter the presidential race of a yet-to-be-determined african nation. the announcement comes in the middle of his more than ten-nation african tour.

"there are a lotta good candidates here, in what they call the cradle of civilization, but i'm ready. i say, 'bring it on.' bring on the challenge. there ain't no africanee that can beat me."

bush continued his outrageous manner of speaking, "even challengers like Major Hamza El-Mustapha, Mr. Eshe Oluwa, Dr. Vintu Abossi, and Zainab Abacha are no match for me. ooh rah!"

bush.bmp

bush denied that his interest in africa was merely an attempt to woo black voters.

Posted by travis at 02:32 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 08, 2003

bush's new new deal

in hopes of stimulating the economy, george bush has turned to the lessons of history.

he has announced that government will be returning to FDR's new deal programs to help bring the nation out of the current economic "pooper." effective immediately, all unemployed americans will be shipped off to the newly formed "labor" camp, code named "gulag," which will be located in a remote section of montana.

because most dams, bridges, and public buildings have already been built, the new american labor force will largely be employed by the FCC, which may employ up to 300,000 men and women as "can you hear me now?" guys in a gutsy campaign to patch domestic cell phone service once and for all.

verizon.jpg

white house spokesman ari fleisher claims this move is done out of sympathy for the faithful, yet bedraggled verizon employee (above), but many democrats are condemning bush's move as a publicity stunt, moreso even than when he won the iraq war, cut taxes, and didn't cheat on his wife.

Posted by travis at 12:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 07, 2003

on the separation of patriotism and state (updated with new links)

fireworks.jpg

acting on the precedent set by the 9th circuit court's recent ruling that the phrase "under god" is unconstitutional as it appears in the pledge of allegiance, and out of distrust for any connection between church and state, america's querulous civil-rights ambulance-chasers
intend to challenge what they call "the likewise precarious union of patriotism and state" in america.

the announcement came ex-nihilo.

the "precarious union" was apparently aggravated after dusk on 4 july 2003, when booms, pops, whizzes and other sounds of patriotic revelry were detected in america's cities, as citizens celebrated the independence day holiday.

newdow_constitution_misinterpreter_dork_buffoon.jpg

"outlaw patriotism!" clamored one protester who was later confirmed to be michael a. newdow. "patriotism is a pandora's box, giving rise to greater evils like religious faith and good citizenship!"

when asked what he meant (how does patriotism give rise to religious faith?) newdow quickly recited some offensive remarks he had heard from "the brainwashed" such as "god bless america." he also claimed to have seen the people using currency emblazoned with the phrase "in god we trust."

"whenever you see the word "god," that means religion is involved, he offered, insightfully.

newdow continued, "patriotism is offensive to those of us who are apatriotic; we can't get away from it. my daughter was huddled in a storm cellar for hours with pillows over both ears and she could still hear those booms, pops, and whizzes. this caused her emotional damage, stress, anxiety and a sense of being left out. i'm an american citizen. i don't like my rights infringed upon by my government."

he continued, not everyone loves america, okay? you wouldn't enjoy being forced to hear france's independence day celebration every year, or cambodia's or iran's, would you?....if you don't understand, then we have a problem."

Posted by travis at 01:54 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

July 05, 2003

search this on google

A rare gem passed through my email box today. Follow the instructions below to see the parody.
--------------------------
1. go to google.com
2. type in "weapons of mass destruction" ... with the quotes
3. press 'I'm feeling lucky'
4. you will get an error message... BUT read the entire message...!
--------------------------
If this doesn't work for you, click here to see the page.

Posted by doug at 11:12 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

o'connor in god's crosshairs

a heavy wood and steel frame collapsed yesterday at an historic independence day event.

the frame, assembled by a firm awarded the contract through affirmative action rather than merit, narrowly missed supreme court justice sandra day o'connor as it fell to the ground.

oconnor_beam.jpg

in an interview following the incident, justice o'connor, disheveled and shaken, admitted, "i'm one of 12 people in the country who has the power to stop tragedies like this from happening. i guess i should pull my head out of my ass and start doing my job."

in a further twist to the story, the near-tragedy occurred at the opening of the national constitution center in philadelphia. you'll remember it is justice o'connor and her majority in the supreme court (america's new legislative body) that have been working to systematically devalue the very constitution that the center intends to celebrate. the devaluation of the hallowed document has been initiated through recent decisions such as this one (disallowing racial equality) and this one (mocking states' rights).

in a related story, god admitted friday that he is not perfect: "i had her in the crosshairs, i just couldn't finish the job. i'll do better next time."

Posted by travis at 03:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 02, 2003

fiesta! somos la mayoria de la minoria

los gringos han anunciado que nosotros (los hispanicos) son la mayoria de la minoria en los estados unidos. o sea, nosotros somos el grupo mas grande aparte de los yankees! se que el anuncio tiene fecha del 21 de enero. pero he estado ocupado, levantandome a la una de la tarde y borrachandome loco de alli en adelante. entonces, recien llegue a la biblioteca para ver las noticias aqui en la computadora. de hecho, es un pequeno milagro que las encontre--es casi impossible usar el internet, ya que se pusieron estos filtros.

en el show "tough crowd," el compradre greg geraldo (quien nacio en colombia) fue con camera y microfono a las calles de nueva york para ver las reacciones de la gente latina a este anuncio historico [para verlo, haga click aqui, y despues haga click en la foto al pie del texto "majority minority"]

lo que me gusto de las entrevistas:

1. greg dijo que en 2025, los hispanicos seremos el grupo mayor en los estados unidos (mayor, aun, que los gringos).

"entonces," le pregunto a un compadre, "que piensas?"

"seremos mas que los gringos?" respondio el compadre, incredulo, "quien nos va a emplear?!"

2. greg llevo un "majority starter kit" a mostrar a la gente latina. tenia, por ejemplo, un reloj, un diario (wall street journal), y otras cosas utiles, todo en un maletin. creo que voy a buscar esa cosa, el "wall street journal." puede ser algo interesante. lo malo es que parece muy largo. tal vez me demoro varias dias en leerlo, pero voy a intentarlo. tambien voy a intentar llevar mas ropa que solo pantalones y zapatos, comprar mas cosas en el mercado que solo cerveza, y hacer mas durante la semana que solo jugar futbol por nueve horas cada domingo.

3. greg pregunto a varias personas que grupo latino era lo mas odiado entre los latinos. todos dijeron que los que mas odiaban eran los mexicanos. eso seria, tal vez, porque cada gringo supone que somos todos ilegales por su culpa.

hispanicdistribution.jpg

Posted by travis at 02:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 01, 2003

surf away and LOL

1. a refreshing personal-responsibility rant

2. proving anyone can post on the internet....

3. break the chain

4. black market babies--dirt cheap!

5. black people love them!

6. fight AOL's aggressive CD distro campaign that has been going on for the last dozen years or so. somewhere in a rain forest, the tree that CDs are made from is endangered because of AOL's brazen postal harassment.

7. have fun with the new way to make phone calls! no setup required! no phone required! but we especially recommend shopping the funstore

Posted by travis at 09:43 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 27, 2003

how i'd respond to reginleif, if i cared [re: children]

i have a new friend. it is the mighty reginleif the valkyrie who says:

Gee, Travis, do you think you could write a more blatantly misleading and sensationalistic headline, please? That one was just too placid and fair-minded.

This article makes some good points about why anti-"pr0n" filters on library PCs aren't all they're cracked up to be. I myself remember America Online provoking the ire of breast cancer patients by banning the word "breast," making it impossible for them to speak frankly in their online support groups. And the residents of Scunthorpe, England weren't too happy when AOHell banned them from mentioning the name of their town, due to the naughty word spelled by its second through fifth letters.

And as a childfree woman, I must say that I'm really, really tired of hearing the refrain "It's for the chiiiillllldruuuun!" every time someone wants to raid my wallet or limit my rights. Seems like all you have to do to be taken seriously in this country is blather on about how much you looooove kids, and how much anyone who disagrees with your politics or policies is obviously a child-hater.

the following is how i'd respond, if i were to respond. but my guess is reginlief the valkyrie, who is merely a blog troll, may never return, and her visit was merely happenstance [what's a troll?]. however, if she does return, i encourage her to comment again. i appreciate opposing viewpoints. seriously. in fact, i agree with her that government's restrictions and "money with strings attached" are a pain. just, in this case, i have to side with "the chiiiildruuuun."

we don't get that many dissenting comments here, so i've decided to respond. rather than tuck it, secretively, in the comments section, and because i had nothing else to write about today, i put my response on the front page. those are the benefits of being the blogmaster. nana nana boo boo.

for the record, i don't have children either. and i think they're yucky. that children are the scourge of the earth is a solemn, immutable truth. i am reminded that this infernal scourge infringes upon my freedoms every time i pass a school and have to slow down to 25 mph. i am reminded that this scourge infringes upon my rights every time i'm in a public place and am forced to listen to a crying baby.

what to do? my mystical viking god/friend, if we're going to keep kids from infringing, in any way whatsoever, upon our rights, let's:

*put them to work at factories! make 'em earn their keep!
*practice infanticide! make sure that we all stay childfree and healthy!
*give them guns. which is more destructive in the long run? a kid with a gun, who might shoot a couple of people in his youth due to carelessness, or a kid who grows up viewing pr0n all day and ends up a repeat, violent sex offender, and later goes on to be a two-term president?

anyway, i guess the real question is, how far will we go to make sure our children don't rule over us like some sort of vast knee-high conspiracy?

knee_high_conspiracy.gif

its funny...when you say "childfree" its almost like the subject is some wretched disease, like "we're relieved and very grateful to announce that toronto is completely SARS-free. whew! the putrescence is gone!"

let's say that, one day, we free ourselves from the oppression of children's rights and strike down library internet filters. why stop there? let's end their encroachment on our rights all the way across the board!

*first, let's do away with megan's law. that's a bothersome law, too.
*then, let's make man-boy love legal again! why all the silly restrictions?!!

regardless of how intrusive the government is being here (and the supreme court now rules the US with sovereign authority), this whole issue became moot when the provision was made that librarians can turn off the filter at the patron's request. would a 15-second wait for assistance really ruin any breast cancer patient's chances for survival?

in some special cases, i can understand a library patron's concern, though...if he were searching the internet to find the recipe for a life-saving antidote to a snakebite he had just incurred, and perhaps, snakebites were called "boobies" and the particular venom's antidote was called "hot, steamy lesbian sex." if a library patron were forced to wait while his request to shut off the filter was honored, he could die. but, then, one has to ask how he was bitten by a snake (i.e., received a "booby") in the library. maybe we need to install better library snake filters.

Posted by travis at 08:58 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

June 26, 2003

our interesting friends, part I

editor's note: this is part I of all-encompassingly's new series, "our interesting friends", where our friends tell us stories. its just like we're sitting around the old-time campfire...except the campfire has a plastic casing, is filled with silicon conductors, and there are none of those pesky mosquitos. so, here you go. today we'll hear an anecdote from melissa, who reminisces about her first summer job and the surprising life-lessons it taught her.

If I were to describe my life in one word, that word would have to be “average.” I don't have any stories about how I am an amazing person. I have never battled a serious illness, and if I had, I doubt that I would have handled my illness courageously. It would be more likely that I would have just stayed in bed and moaned and been very demanding, constantly using my illness to receive sympathy and juice. I did have braces for eight years and I feel as though I handled that courageously, but perhaps it isn’t really the same thing. Basically I am your run of the mill twenty-two year old college girl. I use the word “like” way too much and I’m addicted to computer solitaire. During the summer I live at home, work as a waitress, and occasionally my parents pick me up from work in the family minivan. But here it is, the story of my not so average first job.

Looking back on it I think that I led a pretty sheltered life. Up until high school I had never seen anyone my own age drink or smoke. I had heard tales of such things but they had never really penetrated the bubble that was my life. This all changed in the summer of 1995. That was the summer that for the first (and only) time in my life I saw someone under the age of eighty smoke a pipe.

pipe.jpg

It is also the only time that I have seen anyone harvest marijuana and attempt to dry it by tying it to the belt loops of their pants. I was fourteen and I decided that it was about time that I started earning my own way in the world. (Well, that and my parents kept mentioning how I should stop asking them for money. And every once in awhile my dad would talk about how good hard work is for you and how it creates within you integrity and a will to be a better person.) I thought about getting a summer job, but it is just so hard for a fourteen-year-old to get a job. I mean seriously, how can an unskilled fourteen-year-old compete with a bigger, stronger, more coordinated sixteen-year-old? I think it was my cousin, Amie, who first came up with the idea that we should detassel. Detasseling is a process which no one can understand unless they have grown up with it. Basically it is three weeks during the summer when hundreds of money hungry teenagers spend approximately 10 hours a day walking up and down rows of corn plucking the “tassel” from the top of the corn stalk.

corn4.jpg

This makes it so that the corn cannot self-pollinate. It is all a rather boring process that requires no great skill or mental capacity. Trained monkeys could do it, but the fact is they are too short and would get lost in the corn. And they would probably have to get paid more than $5.25 an hour. Early in the year the various detasseling crews begin their recruiting processes. For us it was just a simple matter of picking the best one. We finally decided on the “Psycho Detasseling Team” or “PDT” for short. The deciding factor was the promise of daily free Little Debbie Snacks. In retrospect perhaps the Little Debbie Snacks attracted some shady characters, but it really was the best deal. Free food and $5.25 an hour; you can’t beat that.

The time finally arrived for us to begin our new jobs. This required getting up early, which my body rebelled against. But my mom, being the great mom that she is, used to get up and make me a lunch which always contained two chocolate Snack Pack brand puddings. Perhaps this was partially because dad made her detassel one time and she hated it and to this day shudders every time she thinks about it. The first few days went by without incident. Besides my developing corn rash and realizing how much I hated detasseling. Corn rash is a common ailment among detasselers. It isn’t a rash at all, it just looks like one but really it is just about a billion tiny cuts on your skin from the leaves on the corn stalks. One day Amie and I were a little late, but there was still a bus there, so we got on it. Unbeknownst to us, we had stumbled onto "The Elite Bus." This was a self-proclaimed title, which they had "earned" or "made up" after the first day when they had finished more fields than the other buses. They usually did not allow anyone else on the bus, I was a personal witness to more than one person being turned away, but somehow Amie and I slipped on and at the end of that day the entire bus had a discussion about whether we should be invited to join the elite bus crew. Amie and I sat there listening and hoping that we would be allowed to stay. The decision was finally made; we were to get on the elite bus everyday from then on. We were officially part of the group. Not only that, we were also invited to go to the Adventureland Amusement Park with them later that summer. That was a great day; probably the best detasseling day ever. The elite crew was full of interesting characters. Everyone smoked, or at least claimed that they did. Lunch time always reminded me of a story I had heard once about how after WWII cigarettes were used as currency in some places. It was not unusual to hear something like, “I’ll give you my fruit snacks for a smoke.” It was almost like a prison barter system. Some of the older kids (the 15 year-olds) developed a rapport with the bus driving supervisor and sometimes after we were done for the day he would take them to the gas station and buy them cartons of cigarettes. (The sudden influx of cigarettes would later cause the value of fruit snacks to plummet.) But the most interesting person by far was Cedric.

Cedric was one of our supervisors. He was a very large black man who drove a red Mustang without any license plates. Cedric told us that if we gave him our detasseling pay checks, he could get us Tommy Hilfiger Jeans, "real cheap." I was pretty much petrified of Cedric. He would bring several sandwiches with him each day for lunch, but he would eat the greater portion of them by the time we had arrived at our first field, usually around seven in the morning. Cedric’s job as a supervisor was to walk behind us and make sure that we hadn’t forgotten any of the tassels, but he rarely left the bus. By the time Little Debbie Snack time had come, they had been mostly devoured...by Cedric. And at lunch time he would walk up and down the aisles of the bus taking our food. I recall the day he stopped at our seat and said, "What did your mom pack for you today?" My cousin cowered in the corner of the seat and I suddenly discovered that I had lost the ability to speak. I was forced to respond by giving him one of my puddings. After a while, it became apparent that Cedric wasn't really doing any work and yet getting much more than his fair share of the Little Debbie Snacks. And so the other supervisors fired him. (The fact that they formed their own little coup and fired Cedric is still confusing to me. They didn't seem to have any authority to do so, but then again, it is survival of the fittest out there, eat or be eaten, stand up for yourself and get a Little Debbie Snack or cower in your seat and not only will you not have a Little Debbie, but suddenly your pudding is also gone.)

So Cedric got fired. They broke the news to him when they dropped him off at his car one night. He was told not to come back the next day, but perhaps it was his addiction to free Little Debbie Snacks, or perhaps he just loved the whole camaraderie brought on by detasseling, who can really say, all I know is that Cedric was very upset. So upset that he spent the entire night drinking. Then, in his alcohol induced state he showed up at our field the next morning. Not only was he drunk, but he was also carrying a firearm.

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Meanwhile, we were busy detasseling, when one of our other supervisors came running into the field (looking back, it seems like the supervisors were rarely really supervising) and he told us that we had to hide in the corn, that Cedric was there and that he had a gun and was drunk and he was threatening to shoot someone if they did not give him his job back. So we hid. As I recall, we found a little clearing and sat around listening intently for any gunplay and trying to appear brave even though we knew that our lives were at stake.

Okay, so the truth is that I never really felt as though my life was at stake. As I recall my main thoughts centered on how great it was that we were getting a break and that we were still getting paid. Twenty minutes later we heard someone coming toward us through the corn and we all got up, ready to scatter if it turned out to be a gun wielding Cedric. But Cedric was gone. Somehow one of the other supervisors was able to talk Cedric down and he went home and we came out of the corn field and returned to our work. Cedric was never heard from again, but some said that on a clear day they would look out of the back windows of "The Elite Bus" as they ate their Little Debbie Snacks and swear that they saw a red Mustang without license plates following behind.

And there you have it. I would like to be able to say that my dad was right and that I learned the value of hard work but really, the only time that I valued my hard work was when I got my paycheck in the mail. Well, at least I learned that I never wanted to detassel again and also that I never again wanted to encounter anyone like Cedric. Since then I have had many experiences and I have met many different people and I think the most important lesson I have learned is this: Sometimes, when life gets tough, you might have to give up a pudding. But, that’s why you have two.

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June 24, 2003

some funny things to surf:

1. Muslim groups push for Americans to add "Islamic" to the phrase "Judeo-Christian." its a great idea, in my opinion, but you've got to admit their timing is kinda funny. couldn't you wait 'til islam's whole "we hate you, great satan mother of lies" mentality dies down a bit? then again, maybe it never will. why not push the envelope now?

2. martyr rachel corrie immortalized on SF mural. right alongside che and mumia! i couldn't have picked a better threesome.

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3. white people need to feel bad about themselves and their made up culture...well, at least for the next 25 years.

4. i'm smarter than the supreme court justices, because i realize that judging a college applicant based on his race is RACIST. if you want to help disadvantaged americans get into college then be fair about it. help people out based on factors like economic hardship, not knowing how to spell--whatever, but don't take race into account. is that so hard?

5. watch out for people with mullets. they're not just showing up drunk on "cops" anymore...

mullet2

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June 23, 2003

justice stevens favors pr0n over children

recently, the supreme court ruled 6-3 that libraries must either filter sexually explicit material or lose significant federal funding. the constitutionality of the filters seems to rest on the fact that government has a compelling interest to shield minors from the material to which they could be exposed on the internet, and the filters are the best technology available at this time. it is also understood that patrons may ask that the filter be disabled on their computer if it "overblocks," or mistakenly blocks sites that are non-pr0nographic.

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justices john paul stevens, david h. souter, and ruth bader ginsburg were not satisfied with this. they feel that anything that requires one to exert effort to turn on and off must be unconstitutional. they don't have any lightswitches in their homes. they only use the clapper®.

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stevens, souter, and ginsburg would rather subject innocent 9-year olds to n@ked pictures than ask people who're interested in the material to simply walk over to the desk and ask a librarian to disable the filter.

excerpts from both sides are available here. or read the syllabus from the reporter of decisions.

one thing from the dissent by stevens. he proposes "optional filtering, privacy screens, recessed monitors, and placement of unfiltered internet terminals outside of sight-lines" instead of the standard presence of filters. he also proposes merging america's libraries with america's adult books stores, two institutions that he says, "go together like a wink and a smile, if you know what i mean." he then smiled and winked, and this frightened reporter excused himself from the justice's chamber.

i glanced back as i exited the room, and i could see him turn to his computer. i began to run, gasping for air...

people have asked me what was on that computer screen, but, fortunately, i don't know. he must've had some kind of privacy screen, or maybe a recessed monitor. whew!

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in a related story, local pr0nographic shop owners breathed a sigh of relief with the ruling. they are grateful that customers will still have to visit their brick and masochist, er...mortar...stores to get their fix rather than being satisfied for free at the nation's great public libraries. i guess people at the libraries will have to return to the boring old task of reading books. blah! and pr0n is so much more exciting!

several hicks were outraged, however.

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June 18, 2003

liberal media sides with confused witnesses

remember the muslim guy in the US army, hasan akbar, who injured or killed 16 of his fellow soldiers by rolling grenades at their tent and then shooting at those who ran out?

not this akbar
akbar.gif

he confessed to the crime and gave as his motive the conviction that americans had come to iraq to "kill and rape muslims". funny...we had no intention of getting "all up" in saddam's business in that way. we'll leave the raping of muslims to him, hasan!

the killing part might be accurate, though, seeing as how it was a WAR! (?). time to plead "conscientious objector" or whatever, hasan. okay? befoooore you get to iraq. and did you realize you joined the US army, buddy? that's pretty much all we do--kill muslims (see somalia, bosnia, afghanistan...pretty much whenever the "religion of peace" decides to start fighting, which is pretty often)

but other than the war, we didn't go there to kill muslims. the citizens of iraq were largely spared, compared to other wars. however, there is at least one iraqi in particular who, if he died, i wouldn't mind at all.

anyway, what i've been giggling about is this: an LA times reporter made a big story out of witnesses (who couldn't see an assailant in the pitch black desert night) and how their testimonies exonerate him. yet hard facts like fingerprints, weapons evidence, and the reality that there aren't that many black men in iraq who own US army fatigues kinda all point to hasan.

plus his, um, confession.

that was all hidden at the bottom of the article, under the blather about "witnesses," and under the title of the article (which, to the author's credit, could have been chosen by an editor): "witnesses cast doubt on accused army killer". they don't cast doubt in anyone's mind, especially hasan's, who already confessed, you moron(s).

i am hopping mad at these reporter types.

oh. and somethings else. hasan's relatives are concerned that he was accused of the dastardly, treasonous crime because he is a muslim.

but WAIT! he committed the crime because he's a muslim!

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June 17, 2003

buy a hummer. trust us.

have you been considering buying a handgun for personal safety? screw that! just get a hummer.

hummer.jpg

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June 16, 2003

quote of the day

on US open winner jim furyk's golf swing:

Some say it looks like a one-armed man trying to kill a snake in a phone booth

ha.

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June 12, 2003

WMD are stubborn things

i agree with ann coulter, on the WMD "question." --that iraq had them, but even if they didn't, its a waste of time to question it now. she says:

Let's stipulate that we will find no weapons of mass destruction – or, to be accurate, no more weapons of mass destruction. Perhaps Hussein was using the three trucks capable of assembling poison gases to sell ice cream under some heretofore undisclosed U.N. "Oil For Popsicles" program.

Should we apologize and return the country to Saddam Hussein and his winsome sons? Should we have him on "Designer's Challenge" to put his palaces back in all their '80s Vegas splendor? Or maybe Uday and Qusay could spruce up each other's rape rooms on a very special episode of "Trading Spaces"? What is liberals' point?

No one cares.

besides being wrong about there being no WMD in iraq now, liberals also forgot that they said iraq had WMD. whoops. lexis-nexis foiled them again! here was hillary's take on things just 8 months ago:

"In the four years since the inspectors left, intelligence reports show that Saddam Hussein has worked to rebuild his chemical and biological weapons stock, his missile delivery capability, and his nuclear program. He has also given aid, comfort, and sanctuary to terrorists, including Al Qaeda members, though there is apparently no evidence of his involvement in the terrible events of September 11, 2001. It is clear, however, that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons. Should he succeed in that endeavor, he could alter the political and security landscape of the Middle East, which as we know all too well affects American security." -- Hillary Clinton, 10 October, 2002

there are more (here).

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June 10, 2003

The French Open

The French turned out in huge numbers to watch the French Open last week, having tired themselves of burning the president in effigy (and I'm talking about the president of Proctor & Gamble, maker of such anti-French products as Old Spice and Secret deodorants). Yet the French seem to have a way of offending others with more than just body odor. During Serena Williams' match against Belgian Justine Henin-Hardenne, the French broke a rule of tennis etiquette that only they could...they started booing Serena. While booing is perfectly acceptable in most other sports venues, tennis has long prided itself on maintaining a level of civility among competitors and fans. Unfortunatly, the French have an equally storied and treasured tradition: rudeness.

The irony of the situation is that Serena could have probably taken on every Frenchman in the audience, and not only in tennis, but this writer would pay to watch Serena locked in an Ultimate Fighting cage with Jacques Chirac. Hmmm...anyone really wondering who would emerge alive? I imagine that the only thing that Chirac can beat back effectively are the pesky phone calls of Mitterand's mistresses ("Bonjour...no..no..this is Jacques...Francois moved quite a while ago...in fact he died a few years ago..."). On a seperate note, Francois Mitterand's name is coincidentally an anagram for "Mad cretin is no fart." Interesting...

Posted by doug at 09:18 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

June 07, 2003

the public schools and postal harassment

for at least one reason, i am glad i graduated from high school and moved away from home. when i lived there as a youth, i would have to see those letters in the mailbox addressed to "the parents of" me. the public school system in kentucky was a big fan of this method of labeling mail. it was very degrading. like, "this letter is ABOUT you, but its not TO you! haha!"

being forced to eat cafeteria food should be punishment enough for kids. america's public school-attending youth should not be subject to this inhumane postal harassment at home.

i never understood why they didn't just send the mail with my parents' actual names in the addressee spot. its not like they didn't know their names....or did we fill out those scores of personal information sheets and 3x5 index cards for nothing?

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June 06, 2003

on breaking paradigms

in addition to suicide attacks targeting infidels in various countries, jews in the middle east, and the great satan, muslims--this time from iraq's disbanded army--are "threatening suicide attacks against US forces in iraq unless they are paid" what saddam owes them. well, the joke's on them! before he disappeared, he lifted nearly $1 billion from iraq's central bank.

i think the soldiers should be paid. don't get me wrong. just....isn't there some other way to demand the money? it seems the religion of peace, which hasn't had a new idea since 900 AD, needs to start thinking outside the box.

people who don't think outside the box: the greek father in "my big fat greek wedding." he believes everything can be fixed with a little windex (he's wrong, unfortunately). america's dairy farmers. they tell us that everything is better with cheese (they're right). lots of muslims believe that everything is better with a little suicide bombing (they're wrong).

as these three cases show, trying to find ONE solution to every problem is kinda hit or miss. the muslims are like your younger brother who discovered the one button he had to push to really make you mad. and he keeps pushing it, and pushing it, and....the only problem is, the button is something like stabbing himself in the eye with a toothpick. its just freaking dumb.

we need some private contractor to send over some people to explain to the hapless arabs the possible alternatives to suicide bombings. any one should be able to come up with a few suggestions....i can think of some right now. let's do it in the form of a late show top ten: ten ways to get things done without blowing yourself up:

10. try humor at those awkward US marine checkpoints. it lightens any mood! for example, "you yanky pigs make me so mad, i almost gonna blow myself up! hahahahaha!" then slap the marine guard on the back like you two are old friends.
9. express views peacefully through blogging
8. compromise? is that so bad?
7. challenge idealogical foes to a game of soccer. losers get tortured by Uday.
6. offer to discuss your demands over some cold goats-milk-and-infidel-blood tonics.
5. wife-swapping! i'll show you my wives' faces if you let me see your wife's face.
4. diplomacy. but watch out! if you fail, tom daschle may be "saddened, saddened."
3. what about cutting yourself? or perhaps getting naked?
2. human shields?

and the number one way to get your point across without blowing yourself up:

1. windex!

speaking of bombings, colombia university professor

gayatri spivak delivered the following rationalization for suicide bombings: 'suicidal resistance is a message inscribed on the body when no other means will get through. it is both execution and mourning, for self and other.'

ahh. suicide bombing is so admirable and poetic...

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June 05, 2003

nueva por 2003! la isuzu "mujer!"

isuzuhombre

grupos representando el movimiento feminista en latinoamerica han vocalizado su oposicion a isuzu, la compania japonesa que produce la camioneta "isuzu hombre". los grupos afirman que las mujeres son tan fuertes como los hombres, y que no hay razon para asi degradar a las mujeres. dicen que es una "falta de respeto." demandan que, inmediatamente, isuzu produzca su prototipo, la isuzu "mujer," para su cliente feminina, que la nueva camioneta sea del color rosada, y que tenga un dispensador de tampones.

Posted by travis at 09:17 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 03, 2003

bumper stickers that make us laugh

scott shore talks bumper stickers. it is very, very funny. i hope that no kentucky beadfairies take offense at my endorsement of the article.

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this week is a busy one for all-encompassingly. i have two mid term exams and doug's being a hero. we'll put up some real content of our own as soon as it all blows over.

Posted by travis at 02:57 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 31, 2003

emails from africa

would you like many millions of dollars through a "confidential business transaction" with a mysterious african banker? all you have to do is trust them with your highly sensitive account information.

fighting back, the guys at scam-o-rama.com conduct lengthy negotiations with their new african business partners. the content of their correspondence is published on the site, and its usually very funny.

Posted by travis at 03:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 29, 2003

NHL: honor and grit; NBA: ...uh....love it live!

NBA: despite an upset stomach, san antonio's tony parker might play tonight in a crucial playoff game against dallas. what a warrior!

NHL: despite being hit in the face with a slap shot, new jersey defenseman, scott stevens, didn't even miss the next game in the eastern conf. semis against tampa bay.

"hockey players probably have the highest threshold of pain of any athlete," said ken daneyko of new jersey. "you see guys play with broken bones, pulled muscles, fractures, knee injuries, all sort of things, that, unless you want to achieve what we're chasing here, you're not going to do."

"it's second nature. we don't think of it as heroic, but most players do it without a second thought."

i lifted the quotation from this article, BTW.

the NHL is unique among the major professional sports. its values are your values. you should watch it for that reason alone. respect and honor among players is foremost in hockey. i recommend this article to doug, in particular, with whom i've 'gotten into it' a few times over the issue. doug, read this, then bring whatcha got.

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May 27, 2003

sultaana: champion of individual rights (UPDATED)

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a woman in florida, sultaana freeman, is suing the DMV. they won't let her drive because she won't remove her head and face covering to take the crucial ID photo. the veil apparently has something to do with her being a muslim, and nothing to do with her and her husband's criminal records. notably, judge janet thorpe did not allow sultaana freeman's full-face jail mug shots or criminal history to be included as evidence. [read the article]

in anticipation of the court ruling that freeman will be permitted to forego any type of picture identification due to her religious views, several groups have jumped at the chance to expand their individual rights at the expense of the rights of others.

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the burglars union, north america chapter, is recommending that all its members align themselves with the muslim faith. "the, uh...endorsement isn't so much...doctrinal," said a burglars union spokesman tuesday, "we really just think it'll help us keep from gittin' caught by the po-po."

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the KKK also wants a piece of the action, announcing it will request the same photo-ID exemptions for its members. "yee-haw!" a klansman was reported to whoop, "ain't no WAY we's gittin' prostecutered now!"

high school students, too, see the benefit of a court precedent in favor of freeman and her cause. they are requesting driver's licenses without the "under 21" stamp. chants of "blatant ageism!" and "hell no! we won't grow!" were heard outside local high schools during the lunch hour.

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ironically, if sultaana were to go to a muslim country like saudi arabia, she wouldn't be permitted to drive. her driving would violate some basic tenet of sunni islam. because she's a woman.

the question is, then, is sultaana refusing to remove the veil out of piety? if she was really pious, wouldn't she deny herself the right to drive?

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23.june.2003 this is how it all turned out.

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the judge ruled that since even islamic countries make women take identification photographs without their veils, that the great satan could, too.

apparently in islam, women have to wear veils. however, how low cut womens' necklines are doesn't really matter. (see photo, left)

Posted by travis at 10:44 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 25, 2003

what is wrong with the young people?

The NY Post reports:

Children always hit up their parents for money - but a Georgia teen went too far when he kidnapped his folks at gunpoint and forced them to write him a check for $50,000, cops say.

Justin Goldstucker, 18, allegedly told his parents, Philip and Cheryl Goldstucker, of Woodstock, "This is the way it's going to be. You're going to write me a check for $50,000 and I'm not going to kill you."

Justin faces abduction, robbery and theft charges.

Justin also won't be getting his allowance anytime soon...

Posted by doug at 01:20 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

old man and the sea

Thanks goes out to the NY Post again for providing this newsworthy note:

American boater Ivan Rusch has been keeping the British coast guard on its tows. They've had to rescue him and his 31-foot sloop five times in the past two weeks.

In the most recent incident, officials said he became "tired and disoriented" when his yacht became stuck in a tidal race near Salcombe, off the south Devon coast.

They've expressed concern about his plans to sail to the U.S. alone. Rusch is 78 and took up sailing just three years ago.

Sail to the U.S. alone? Who is sailing instructor? Jack Kevorkian?

Posted by doug at 01:12 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

greed ensnares murderer

And finally, a third fascinating tale from the NY Post on Saturday, May 24, 2003.

When John Nicholas Athan received a letter from a law firm seeking people to join a class-action suit against the city of Seattle for overcharging motorists on parking tickets, he eagerly responded by return letter.

In doing he gave cops the evidence they needed to charge him with murdering a 13-year-old girl 20 years ago.

The law firm was a police ruse and the lawsuit was bogus, but Athan's saliva on the return envelope was real. It provided cops with a long-sought DNA sample from their prime suspect.


Posted by doug at 01:08 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 23, 2003

let's say we're laughing with him

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jayson blair--the man who forgot to spell-check his own first name--is making us laugh again. his interview with the new york observer was so comical, several news sources, including msnbc reported on the interview.

here are the high points from the interview:

*blair laughs when the subject turns to his made up stories: "[my] descriptions [were] just so far off from reality," he said, about reading his own work. "i just couldn’t stop laughing." and he said he fabricated all those stories because he wanted to get fired. (apparently just quitting would have been too easy?)

*he calls his NYtimes editors "idiots" and "misguided" and his former boston globe colleagues "a bunch of thin-skinned, sheltered, cocooned babies.” such lavish praise!

*he never graduated from college. (hmmm. no college degree, writing for the NYtimes....affirmative action had nothing to do with it, though, as blair makes clear)

*"I fooled some of the most brilliant people in journalism! If they’re all so brilliant and I’m such an affirmative-action hire, how come they didn’t catch me?" [this is a real quotation]

but didn't he just say they were "idiots"? contradictions seem to come easily with this fellow. and by way of refuting his argument about affirmative-action--isn't a good reporter honest, meticulous, and accurate? so a reporter who got the job based on a factor besides merit could very well be lacking in those skills. in other words, he could be dishonest, careless, and inaccurate...three words that describe jayson blair's writing.

*however, my favorite part of the article is when he speaks of himself in 3rd person: "so jayson blair the human being could live," he said, "jayson blair the journalist had to die." spoken like a true psychopath.

if you haven't already gone to the article yet, don't delay. its humorous and its like a modern-day fable. in fact, if it were a fable, it would probably be called "the lying reporter with brains of goat-cheese and his superiors, the most misguided idiots in journalism"

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May 22, 2003

amazing visibility


earth.from.mars.05.22.03

for the first time ever, the earth was photographed from mars--and with amazing clarity and detail.

in case you can't tell, its a planet, and it might be the earth. but, at the very least, it is an indistinguishable blob. that's for sure.

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May 19, 2003

"martyr" gets special surprise at pearly gates (UPDATED)

This unfortunate news item from today's paper may provide a lesson for future would be "martyrs"

A Palestinian with explosives packed on the back of his bicycle drew up near an army jeep on patrol monday, and detonated his load, killing no one but himself, the Israeli area commander said. He said three soldiers were slightly injured.

Upon arriving in heaven with his golden ticket and expecting 72 virgins, the Palestinian "martyr" was greeted by a familiar face.

Willy Wonka

MARTYR: What about my 72 young honeyz?

WONKA: Wrong, sir, wrong! Under Section Thirty-Seven B of
the contract signed by you it states quite clearly that all
offers shall become null and void if--and you can read it
for yourself in this photostatic copy: "I, the undersigned,
shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and virgins herein
and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera . . . fax mentis
arafat gloria culpum, et cetera, et cetera . . . memo bis
punitor delicatum!"

It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole
Fizzy Lifting Drinks and failed to kill infidels. You bumped
into an army jeep which now has to be washed and sterilized,
so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!

Upon further pleading, Wonka did award the "martyr" an attractive Umpa-Lumpa.

wonka3.gif

-------------------------------------

23.june.2003 a similar martyrical faux pas occurred (sadly), scott ott reports.

Posted by doug at 02:30 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 17, 2003

the moon

we should all be grateful that the moon orbits the earth at the distance that it does, because if the moon orbited the earth at a height of, say, 10 feet, that would be REALLY inconvenient.

Posted by travis at 01:03 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 13, 2003

cheney got seinfeld vote

in another desperate attempt to win the 2000 presidential election, liberals are claiming that florida voters mistook vice-presidential candidate dick cheney for jason alexander, formerly "george" of seinfeld.

george.bmp cheney.jpg

"they hadn't seen him for a few years, except on those KFC commercials, so they thought it might really be him" a spokesman for liberal floridians said tuesday. "they were so overjoyed, they marked the wrong box on the confusing ballot, and they weren't allowed to vote because of their race, and they were misled and cheated and lied to and you can't count those absentee ballots and what idiot wrote the constitution and what is an electoral college? since it was a fictitious election, can we have a recount now, pleeeeease?"

Posted by travis at 03:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

france to take tough stance on terror

in response to recent terrorist bombings in saudi arabia, several international leaders issued statements [read them]

notably, france condemned "with the greatest firmness" the bombings. france's embassy there said three french nationals were injured and told its citizens to maintain "utmost vigilance."

yeah. maintain "utmost vigilance." because the french government, in the interest of peace, will never go beyond using words to fight terrorism. even if an olive-skinned guy brandishing an automatic weapon was driving a bomb-laden jeep toward, say the eiffel tower, the only response by frenchmen would be to yell, "we condemn with greatest firmness your proposed action, most respectable sir." then they would drop anything threatening, like knives, lit cigarettes, and toothpicks, and jump into the seine.

paris-eiffel-tower-02.3

let's all thank france for its "hard-line" stance against terrorism, and for its history of supporting the US in fighting it.

Posted by travis at 03:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

these, and other tales of bravery

when the going gets tough, run away! just like democrats in texas, who knew they were going to lose a certain vote, so they holed up at the holiday inn in oklahoma for a few days. we can all be assured that in the future, it will be with wet eyes that texans look back on this brave "last stand" of sorts by the democrats, and cry, "remember the...holiday inn!" their voices breaking with emotion.

texaswalkout.jpg

this real audio file from monty python's search for the holy grail pretty much says it all. [download file]

Posted by travis at 02:21 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 10, 2003

bush schedule: last 18 months

facing the glaring fact that everything he does as president until the november 2004 elections will be seen as a "shamless attempt to be re-elected" [read a short article--full text], george w bush has promised to run the country from an "undisclosed location" for the next 18 months.

white house spokesman, ari fleischer, said friday that the president made the decision because he thought it would help the economy:

"mr. bush believes that by removing himself as a target of protests, the protesters will actually try to get jobs. the white house expects america's unemployment rate to improve greatly."

bush also promised that he will not be leaving the vice-president in charge of the country, as that could also draw the ire of liberals. instead, he will leave the country in the hands of one of the democratic party's 2004 presidential hopefuls, al sharpton, "to see if americans like how he handles things," bush said.

president bush gave a speech to the troops on an aircraft carrier and it was called a "costly political gimmick," then he gave a commencement speech at the university of south carolina, the school his nephew currently attends, and from which his chief-of-staff, andrew card graduated, and it was criticized as a "forum for the beginning of his 2004 presidential campaign." i hope someone else sees how stupid this is. he's the president. he's busy. he might show up somewhere and do something. can he do it without someone standing outside with a vitriolic sign and an attitude to match?

that's not exactly what i mean. i mean: protest. make your voice heard. i don't care. only, make sure its a plausible issue. try attacking bush for "needlessly" liberating the iraqis. or for predicting that kim jong il of N korea would restart his nuclear weapons program, thus "upsetting" kim jong il, who "in protest," restarted his nuclear weapons program. see, those are plausible [see definition 2].

but don't say he's "frittering away our tax dollars in a loathsome re-election campaign."

just yet.

Posted by travis at 02:58 AM | Comments (1)

May 09, 2003

glick

without reservation, we recommend jiminy glick

glick.bmp

Posted by travis at 02:48 AM | Comments (4)

May 07, 2003

the medicine cabinet

a sign that i'm getting older is that i'm starting to amass a collection of half-used cold remedies on a shelf in my apartment. it is depressing, but very useful.

medicine cabinet.jpg

Posted by travis at 04:24 AM | Comments (2)

May 06, 2003

allegedly...

A recent article from CNN/Money began with the following line:

"The Bush administration launched a war on terror because of the alleged acts of Osama bin Laden."

Alleged acts. Alleged??? Is CNN/Money "alleging" that the twin towers still exist? Or that the events of September 11th never "allegedly" happened?

This calls to memory the refusal of Reuters to call "militant palestinians" by their correct name: terrorists. The apparent conundrum of media elites at classifying bloodthirsty murderers as such is disturbing, albeit explainable. After all, they are still in denial that the mainstream press is liberal; all the while remaining perfectly capable of pointing out that FoxNews is conservative.

But back to the CNN/Money article...

"The Bush administration pushed for that war, in part, because it said the regime of Saddam Hussein, former leader of Iraq, had ties to the al Qaeda terror network, headed by bin Laden, the group allegedly responsible for the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks in the United States."

The obsessive use of the qualifier "alleged" makes sure that the author has a convenient escape hatch available should it come to light that the "Zionist pigs" were actually behind 9/11. I mean, c'mon... Osama did allegedly praise the attacks, he also allegedly took credit for them and he allegedly has subordinates that have confessed to allegedly being involved.

This makes one wonder what the headline would have been had CNN/Money had a website on December 8, 1941, the day after Pearl Harbor.

"The United States was allegedly attacked yesterday by the Japanese. President Roosevelt may use this alleged aggression as reason to launch an unnecessary war."

Posted by doug at 11:19 PM | Comments (0)

April 27, 2003

who's laundering money, harry?

an article in last december's blood-horse magazine reported on harry reid's efforts to outlaw internet wagering, a ban he seeks because of his fears that the web is prone to be used as a vehicle for laundering money. reid's home state of nevada has been washing the money of italian gangsters for years, and currently has a corner on the market. "it would be a terrible shame if criminals began laundering money from the comfort of their own homes," said reid. "i don't know what life in nevada would be like without them."

and, of course, if criminals learned to do it, the average joe probably would, too. "if people continue to gamble without coming to our casinos, it will only be a matter of time before we have to put celine dion out into the streets. as it is, she's still waiting for the lucky twelvth person to buy a ticket to her las vegas act."

harry reid.jpg

US senator harry reid, (d-nv), shown in his space-age new home. perhaps ill-advisedly, we joked with harry that he must've had to launder "a sweet load of cash" to pay for the thing, at which point senator reid turned pale, faked a laugh, and glanced nervously from side to side.

Posted by travis at 09:04 PM | Comments (1)

April 24, 2003

did you ever notice...

shiite protest.jpg

passionate protests in iraq involve people cutting themselves. passionate protests in america (and other western nations) involve people getting naked.

NAKEDPEACE-Marin-LoveField2.gif

Posted by travis at 11:07 PM | Comments (1)

April 16, 2003

clinton criticizes US foreign policy: says love is the answer

on tuesday, former president bill clinton blasted US foreign policy.

"Our paradigm now seems to be: something terrible happened to us on September 11, and that gives us the right to interpret all future events in a way that everyone else in the world must agree with us," said Clinton, who spoke at a seminar of governance organised by Conference Board. "And if they don't, they can go straight to hell."
the ironic thing about that statement is, of course, everything. we cannot trust this man! or his kooky love theories! look what he did with 'love' in the past. i don't want our current president to have this kind of loving relationship with, say, vladimir putin. gross.

clintonhug.jpg

its too bad the iraqi minister of information wasn't available when bill really needed him

clinton lewinsky iraqi information minister.jpg

Posted by travis at 02:47 AM | Comments (1)

April 14, 2003

just when you thought it was safe to take out the trash...

it wasn't . (click to read about the attack of the killer 'yardys')

yardy.jpg

cedar rapids has always been a puzzling place to me. they actually claim to have five seasons instead of four (the fifth lasts all year and is called 'a time to enjoy'). but this problem they have now with belligerent inanimate objects is even more perplexing than their white suburban utopia-fantasy involving the mythical fifth 'season'.

Posted by travis at 05:26 AM | Comments (3)

the results are in

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the war in iraq is playing out like a 'who's who' of international shooting-in-the-air supremacy. and kentuckians have shown they deserve the outright title.

Posted by travis at 02:41 AM | Comments (1)

April 13, 2003

senator tom daschle announces he's going 'tranny'

daschle springer.jpg

in the photo (left) an exasperated daschle defends himself before viewers of the jerry springer show. reportedly, daschle's mother tricked him into appearing on the show by telling him that president bush had resigned and named him the new president. while this proved to be false, daschle later said, quote, "i was pretty sure she was kidding all along."

daschle 'fontana'.jpg

after being insulted by members of springers' studio audience, including being called a "stupid-ass cracka," by one audience member, daschle admitted that he will soon undergo sex change surgery. he made the decision when he met this man, sergio fontana, (see photo, left) who is, according to daschle, "a beautifully formed italian heartthrob." the picture at left shows their first meeting, but future greetings have been much steamier. daschle apparently plans on being the woman in the relationship.

Posted by travis at 08:24 PM | Comments (0)

April 12, 2003

Martha Burk's circus

Martha Burk's sideshow fit right in--alongside a drag queen, an elvis impersonator, and a klansman. the curious quartet is now inseparably linked (in the already storied annals of georgia history) by their participation in a most bizarre 'free speech freak show'. read the article or see what people are saying

Posted by travis at 05:01 PM | Comments (1)

April 09, 2003

UN wants to enforce something (hooray!)

with the fall of the bloodthirsty dictator, some impoverished iraqis have taken to looting to get stuff they need. that's too bad, but what bothers me is the way the UN is responding: they demand that US and british forces halt the looting

with good reason, the UN is concerned. but why didn't they 'demand' the US and the british 'halt' the torture, murder, and rape of innocent iraqi citizens before? or 'demand' that we 'halt' the development of iraq's weapons of mass destruction more recently (remember resolution 1441)?

the ubiquitous anti-semite, kofi annan, should get one hint: he needs to halt his own organization's irrelevance before he starts ordering nations around. he could do that by tackling tough problems--like a volatile government's weapons capabilities and civil rights record--instead of easy-to-solve, morally obvious issues, like 'looting'.

kofi.jpg

kofi annan receives a useless, empty fish bowl from seton hall university for his impressive record of anti-semitism and anti-americanism. he accepted the bowl on one condition: "that we may display this insignificant, worthless bowl in UN headquarters in new york. it symbolizes all we have ever accomplished as an organization! thank you!"

Faulty Faculty Diversity
from the christian science monitor: http://www.csmonitor.com/2002/1008/p08s03-comv.html
8 october 2002

America's colleges and universities are witnessing an unusual display of political diversity these days. Dozens of professors and school administrators have put their names on petitions related to Israel's treatment of Palestinians – or on statements opposed to such petitions.

Specifically, the debate is focused on a signature campaign that asks universities to sell stocks in companies doing business in Israel. (See story.) What's unusual is not the debate itself but that so many professors have been prompted to speak out publicly. And more important, that so many of those scholars are taking opposing positions.

Such a balance of ideological and political diversity is all too rare within higher education. While colleges seek more ethnic and racial diversity among students, when it comes to political diversity in faculty, most teachers noticeably tilt to the left.

That's the conclusion from a study of political-party affiliation of scholars who teach humanities at 21 big-name universities. Conducted for a conservative think tank, the American Enterprise Institute, the study combed local voter-registration records to discover that an overwhelming portion of teachers are, surprise, Democrats. Another finding: 84 percent of them voted for Al Gore in the 2000 election.

The study puts hard numbers to a stereotype about campus faculty. The question is: Does the liberal tilt make a difference?

Most college students are just forming their political perspectives. Does a teacher's political leanings influence the way a class is taught?

A campus watchdog group called the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education has challenged universities for allowing some teachers to discriminate against students for their political beliefs or ethnic backgrounds. The cases are relatively few in number, but still troubling.

In most such cases, the American Association of University Professors rightly defends the academic freedom of faculty. But still, in its stated professional standards, the group advises scholars to "remember that the public may judge their profession and their institution by their utterances. Hence they should at all times be accurate, should exercise appropriate restraint, should show respect for the opinions of others, and should make every effort to indicate that they are not speaking for the institution."

Perhaps Democrats are just naturally drawn to teaching, and colleges can't do much about it. But if political diversity is as important to higher education as ethnic or racial diversity, colleges should look at their criteria for hiring teachers beyond just academic qualifications. Once teachers are hired, their freedom of speech must be defended. But colleges can also defend the need of students to hear a diversity of views from teachers.

In the meantime, U.S. News magazine might consider adding a new category – faculty political diversity – to its yearly college rankings.

Posted by travis at 04:19 PM | Comments (1)

what is wrong with the burkes?

today we have regina burke, the psycho, repeatedly hallucinating about the president wrapped in nothing but a flag toga. and several months ago, martha burk proclaimed herself head policy-maker for augusta country club--a club to which she does not belong. i think she just wants attention, and maybe to be hillary clinton's vice-presidential running mate in 2008. well, tough luck, martha. hillary likes men.

men need a place to go and be alone--somewhere besides the men's restroom. sometimes, men (and women, too) want to have their own 'place', where everybody knows their name. kind of like cheers, but without having to worry about the other gender.

i'm not going to go after every person who donates money to wellesley college (an all-female college outside of boston) to pressure them to denounce the schools 'exclusionary' policies (but the policies shouldn't be called exclusionary. its a private school. they can do what they want). but this is just what martha burk has done with augusta national. she has publicly criticized big-name CEOs who are members of augusta national. she said on 'the daily show': "patrons and employees of these companies need to know that their employers belong to this club, and that maybe in their company there is a 'glass ceiling' or some other sexist blah blah..."

stewart rightly disagreed with her, somehow refraining from saying, "where in the HELL did you make THAT connection?!" and instead phrasing his concern politely and voicing it in a reserved tone.

i don't even think martha burk is doing what she's doing to help women's rights. i think she has a fruity personal vendetta. if she were really a champion of women's rights, why not go after cosmo, seventeen, other magazines and every hollywood film that limits a woman's worth to the size and shape of her body's parts.

i don't think it would be right to label augusta national golf club members as sexists unless we attach the same label to supporters of wellesley college(and we don't, because that would be stupid). i don't think it would be right to call LPGA golfers sexist, even though men are excluded from their tournaments (remember, women are permitted at PGA (men's) events). i don't think the augusta national issue is about women's rights, i think its about a gender's right to privacy.

Martha_Burk_counting.jpg

martha burk shows reporters how she uses her fingers to count to the 'higher numbers' involving two digits. later, when asked her age, she replied, "i'm thiiiis many!" and showed the number on her hands. notice the photo on the wall behind her. all of the people in it are women! what an outrage! granted, its her private office, but if its on my computer screen, its a public thing! disenfranchisement!

Posted by travis at 05:00 AM | Comments (0)

April 02, 2003

telemarketers just need someone to talk to

when you pick up the phone, and there is an odd silence, hang up really quick! but if you somehow don't notice the odd silence at first and fail to hang up before the telemarketer clicks in, just do what bob dobilina does. i recommend "cabazon" to start.

Posted by travis at 01:29 AM | Comments (0)

April 01, 2003

slapshot and michael moore. slap the whale.

i love quoting slapshot there are funny accents to imitate and audacious statements of all kinds to repeat. and no other hockey movie has earned as much affection from real hockey players. not "the cutting edge" (a mere chick flick); not "mighty ducks" (which is full of dubious hockey scenarios, especially in the two sequels--although the first is a fine movie for its purposes); not even "youngblood," with rob lowe.

slapshot is a sentimental look back at a time when hockey had UFC-like realism and there was no ivy league priss (current NHL commisioner gary bettman, cornell '74), to ruin the fun.

fortunately, there are still some fights. there is an article presents both sides of the issue fairly. IMHO, fighting has been around from hockey's beginning. it is an essential element of the game. it doesn't teach people to be violent any more than listening to michael moore's teaches people that its fun to be a moron. read about michael moore's fictitious life.

Moore.jpg

click here for slapshot quotes

click here for slapshot pictures
Posted by travis at 03:22 PM | Comments (0)

March 18, 2003

french jokes

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.
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"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." --Mark Twain
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"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --General George S. Patton
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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf
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"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." --Marge Simpson
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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" --Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." --Rush Limbaugh
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"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." --John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
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"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien
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"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" --Jay Leno
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France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France. --Mark Twain
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Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.--Ted Nugent
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I hear the French tank has 14 gears. 13 of them are in reverse. The forward gear is only used when someone attacks from behind.
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War without France would be like...World War II
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Q. How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?
A. We don't know, it's never been tried.
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The best French bashing line I've heard over the last week is "We can count on the French to be there when they need us."
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On the eve of battle between Germany and France...On the German side the general turns to his aide and says, "Aide, get me my red jacket. In the event that I am wounded, I don't want the men to see me bleeding. I don't want anything to discourage them. I want them to carry on and win this battle." On the French side the general turns to his aide and says, "Aide, get me my brown pants."
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Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
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Q. Why might the French send troops to the Gulf?
A. To teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
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Q. How did the French advertise surplus World War II rifles?
A. "Never fired, only dropped once."
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NEWS BULLETIN:
France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display,that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender. Film at 11.
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SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE
March 11, 2003. Today it was reported that severe earthquakes have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale. The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves. According to the American Battle Monuments Commission there are 26,255 Yankee dead from World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are 30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France. These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the 21st century. May the United States of America never forget their sacrificeas we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful country of France!

Posted by travis at 03:36 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 14, 2003

UPI reports on the impotence of france

UPI reports on the impotence of france:

LISBON, Portugal, March 10 (UPI) -- Portugal is siding with the United States on Iraq because Washington was "Portugal's best way to ensure national security," a Portuguese Cabinet minister said Monday.

Foreign Minister Antonio Martins da Cruz told state radio that if Portugal were attacked, "it would be unlikely France and Germany would come to our rescue."

He said: "Let us suppose Portugal, proper or its archipelagos, faced a threat, who would come to our rescue? The European Commission, France, Germany?"I think it would be NATO who would come to our rescue, in other words, it would be the U.S., no one else would defend us.

For instance, during the 1996 mission in Bosnia, operations took place with the support of 20 satellites, of which only one was European," and the remainder belonged to the U.S.

"If we were attacked, is that what they would offer to defend us? How curious is this: in Bosnia, when we were called to send soldiers urgently to that region, the U.S. had C-17 and C-130 planes, and France leased ferry boats, which during the summer are employed in tourist services to Corsica."Is this how we are supposed to project our forces in Europe? Are they planning to defend us with ferry boats? I cannot envisage the European Commission protecting us from an attack in which highly developed weapons were employed," the foreign minister said.

i watched "monty python and the holy grail" last night with some friends. is it just me, or does the ultra-crass frenchman hurling insults, lies, and projectiles from the french castle and then castle aarrrggh symbolize all the french people, and specifically jaques chirac, the worm himself? the frenchman in the movie is easy to recognize as a coward, because he is hiding behind a physical wall of stone. chirac, though is just as much a coward as the ill-bred, witless movie character. he is hiding behind dishonest diplomacy and stinky french cheese. i mean, would it even sound odd if chirac used an exact quote from the castle of aarrrggh scene when he addressed president bush or prime minister blair?

taunting_one_frenchman.jpg

FRENCH GUARD: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time! How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters. No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha! And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt! [taunting] ...Dappy!...Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...

taunting_many_frenchmen.jpg

maybe the real world powers, the US and Britain should appease the french. yeah. let's forget the quest for the holy grail for a while. instead, lets bomb the castle aarrrggh.

Posted by travis at 03:36 PM | Comments (0)