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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Nov 25th 2004

dave barry on thanksgiving

happy thanksgiving, america. on this solemn occasion, please consider the words of dave barry:

Thanksgiving is also a spiritual time of quiet reflection — a time when we pause to remember, as generations have remembered before us, that an improperly cooked turkey is — in the words of the U.S. Department of Agriculture — “a ticking Meat Bomb of Death.”

Yes, it is a tragic but statistical fact that every Thanksgiving, undercooked turkeys claim the lives of an estimated 53 billion Americans (source: Dan Rather). Sometimes the cause is deadly bacteria; sometimes — in cases of extreme undercooking — the turkey actually springs up from the carving platter and pecks the would-be carver to death.

The only way to be sure you’ve killed all the bacteria in your turkey is to cook it until a meat thermometer inserted into the breast melts, indicating that the turkey has attained the same internal temperature as the sun. ”Basically,” advises the Surgeon General, ”you want to be serving your family a 16-pound charcoal briquette.”

Of course, not everybody is comfortable with the idea of eating turkeys, which are, let’s face it, living organisms, like dogs, or celery. You may wonder: Is there a more humanitarian option that you can serve for Thanksgiving dinner? There certainly is: It’s tofu, a semi-foodlike substance secreted by soybeans as a defense mechanism. Tofu can be used as a high-protein meat substitute, as well as a denture adhesive or tile grout. In its natural state, tofu is tasteless and odorless, but if you form it into a turkey-shaped lump, season it well, add gravy and bake it for two hours in a shallow pan at 350 degrees, you can also use it for minor driveway repairs.” [link]

2 Responses to “dave barry on thanksgiving”

  1. […] his 2004 article Posted by travis in travis, humor, cooking | […]

  2. This year my wife decided to have a dry run thanksgiving day to test out her recipes. We soaked the bird in a brine solution she got at William Sonoma it really kept it moist. OMG, the turkey was so good and I get to do it again in a few days!