all-encompassingly

we still remember mitch hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Mar 18th 2003

french jokes

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.
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“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” –Mark Twain
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“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” –General George S. Patton
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“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” –Norman Schwartzkopf
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“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” –Marge Simpson
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“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure” –Jacques Chirac, President of France
“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” –Rush Limbaugh
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“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” –John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
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“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.” –Conan O’Brien
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“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” –Jay Leno
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France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France. –Mark Twain
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Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.–Ted Nugent
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I hear the French tank has 14 gears. 13 of them are in reverse. The forward gear is only used when someone attacks from behind.
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War without France would be like…World War II
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Q. How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?
A. We don’t know, it’s never been tried.
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The best French bashing line I’ve heard over the last week is “We can count on the French to be there when they need us.”
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On the eve of battle between Germany and France…On the German side the general turns to his aide and says, “Aide, get me my red jacket. In the event that I am wounded, I don’t want the men to see me bleeding. I don’t want anything to discourage them. I want them to carry on and win this battle.” On the French side the general turns to his aide and says, “Aide, get me my brown pants.”
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Next time there’s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
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Q. Why might the French send troops to the Gulf?
A. To teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
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Q. How did the French advertise surplus World War II rifles?
A. “Never fired, only dropped once.”
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NEWS BULLETIN:
France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night’s display,that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender. Film at 11.
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SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE
March 11, 2003. Today it was reported that severe earthquakes have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale. The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves. According to the American Battle Monuments Commission there are 26,255 Yankee dead from World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are 30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France. These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the 21st century. May the United States of America never forget their sacrificeas we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful country of France!

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