all-encompassingly

i wrote this semi tongue in cheek post in june 2006, but it is timely again in 2007. i will publish my completely serious, not-even-cracking-a-smile post soon. until then, here are my top five illegal immigration solutions.

1. we open the border….to canada. let me explain.

a wall will be built along the US-mexico border. it will be impenetrable. dick cheney will stand guard.

there will be one small opening. just west of el paso, texas. it will be 10 feet wide. it will lead to a tunnel or a bridge or a narrow, walled corridor. the pathway will go directly to canada, where GDP per capita is much higher than it is in mexico. documentless workers will stream into places like banff, bringing work ethic the shiftless, white canadians have never seen. also, DUIs (but these they have seen–recall, briefly, the masterpiece “strange brew”).

george bush will open the pathway with a ribbon-cutting ceremony, as soon as the corridor to “trabajo” is ready.

speaking of canada, i recently watched an episode of the home remodeling show, “divine design” which is set in canada. the designer had several people working on the project for that episode–an electrician, a carpenter, and some other guy–NONE of whom (if you can believe it) were hispanic. i couldn’t believe there were actually white people still willing to do these jobs. (south of the border, here in america, we are told by george bush and ted kennedy that whites don’t do certain jobs).

we need to get the hispanics to flood into canada so people can start telling the canadians that hispanics “do jobs they would never be willing to do anyway” and then whites can move on to more respectable careers, like banking.

you would never stoop to doing construction, carpentry, or electrical wiring! you need mexicans and guatemalans to do them! get a nice bank job. know your place in the caste system.

anyway, that is the first proposal. silly, you say? wait ’til you hear option two. you will be begging to return to #1:

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2. we could arrange some deal to get better soccer players, in exchange for citizenship. [see mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/sports/14890737.htm]

[update: the article is gone and i can no longer remember what it said]

if you want more great ideas, just keep reading:

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3. the third proposal is like so: we allow more immigration, but take the following steps to keep immigration from getting out of control and from the established populace from losing control of the electorate to border-hoppers.

*take away citizenship from kids born here from illegal parents, and/or
*take away the ability of citizens–who gained status by being born in the US to illegal parents–to sponsor family members wishing to immigrate to the US.
*take away (or push back 20-30 years) voting rights for people who were born here to illegal parents, or who were here illegally and became citizens by being sponsored by a family member.

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4. send CIA operatives into mexico to infiltrate the coyote organizations, then arrest or assassinate the corrupt scumbags who have made an industry of leading people over the border and into the US illegally. they take immigrants’ life savings, often several thousand dollars, and many times fail to fulfill their end of the bargain. countless coyotes have left their passengers to die in the borderland deserts. crossing the border without papers is wrong, but being a corrupt coyote is 100 times worse. if the US could decapitate the coyote industry, illegal immigration decrease, and along with it: the number of tragic, border-crossing casualties.

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5-ish. open borders….through manifest destiny. let me explain. citizens of mexico, guatemala, belize, el salvador, honduras, nicaragua, costa rica, and even panama will be allowed to freely immigrate to the united states. they will be allowed to buy land here by trading it for land in their home countries. this way, a fair and complete sharing of encroaching behavior occurs throughout north and central america. i will gladly take a beachfront shack in costa rica off someone’s hands. and with all the gringos moving south, there is sure to be plenty of development to go along with them (starbucks, wal-mart, clean water, etc) basically, all i’m asking is for these people to trade a stake in their countries for complete and unfettered access to ours. IOW, agree to become the 51st-58th states of the union. here are the new names, as decreed by me:

mexico becomes “new montana”
guatemala becomes “new georgia”
belize becomes “bootylicious”
el salvador becomes “new idaho”
honduras becomes the state of “hedberg”
nicaragua becomes “north ragua”
costa rica becomes “south ragua”
panama becomes “the prison state” (we will convert the entire nation into a land of un-air conditioned maximum security prisons, where the prison walls will also line up with the border of colombia, killing several birds with one stone by creating a sturdy border wall. most death row inmates will be sent there, and the high number of unfortunate malaria deaths will cut the number of frivolous appeals down to nearly zero).

but back to the state names. they could keep their old names, i guess. i don’t care. the point is, the american people who are moving there get to decide. and everyone has to learn to speak english, that’s for sure.

anyway, the point of all this is it makes the flow of labor easier. open borders? you friggin betcha. there are no borders. we build some high speed highways between here and every corner of central america, set up some cozy bus stations, triple–no, quadruple–the number of western unions…..it will be great. lots of rich caucasians (as well as dirt poor gringos, like me) will move south. developments will boom, traditional central american corruption and squalor will be whittled away in the bright light of capitalism and free markets. thousands of hard-working people will move north and fill in areas formerly occupied by “lazy americans.” i will be happy to trade some costa ricans some land in my town (”the land of opportunity”) for some real estate down there in the tropics. everybody wins. nobody loses. except all you people that didn’t concoct this genius plan.

the greatest thing is, the wall we’d have to build between the 58 american states and hugo chavez’ south america would only need to be about 100 miles long (since panama’s border is so narrow).

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one or more of these plans will be passed into law, mark my words. it is now just a matter of you, the american people, deciding which one(s) you like the best. use the comments section below to voice your opinion on this important issue.