“martyr” gets special surprise at pearly gates (UPDATED)
This unfortunate news item from today’s paper may provide a lesson for future would be “martyrs”
A Palestinian with explosives packed on the back of his bicycle drew up near an army jeep on patrol monday, and detonated his load, killing no one but himself, the Israeli area commander said. He said three soldiers were slightly injured.
Upon arriving in heaven with his golden ticket and expecting 72 virgins, the Palestinian “martyr” was greeted by a familiar face.
MARTYR: What about my 72 young honeyz?
WONKA: Wrong, sir, wrong! Under Section Thirty-Seven B of
the contract signed by you it states quite clearly that all
offers shall become null and void if–and you can read it
for yourself in this photostatic copy: “I, the undersigned,
shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and virgins herein
and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera . . . fax mentis
arafat gloria culpum, et cetera, et cetera . . . memo bis
punitor delicatum!”
It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole
Fizzy Lifting Drinks and failed to kill infidels. You bumped
into an army jeep which now has to be washed and sterilized,
so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
Upon further pleading, Wonka did award the “martyr” an attractive Umpa-Lumpa.
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23.june.2003 a similar martyrical faux pas occurred (sadly), scott ott reports.
HA!! Unfortunately the attractive Umpa-Lumpa kept singing songs about elephants with words appearing in sycadelic colors, driving the “martyr” insane. He later requested to leave heaven for a warmer climate.
Hey, really… should we be so tough on the guy? We have all “blown-ourselves-up” for certain causes now and again (figuratively speaking)that have failed now and again…
doesn’t he get at least some candy for trying? where in the heaven is the mercy?
bread makes me fart!
[...] he is on his way to meet allah (peace be upon him) wonka and the 72 virgin loompas. [...]