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we still remember mitch hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Aug 25th 2004

mothereffer, i will kill you

how do these police sketch artists always make the people look so menacing and evil?  or are the people they draw just menacing and evil?

if you ever mess with my peeps again, you cowardly little piss nozzle, i will beat you without mercy.

UPDATE #1: here’s the story:

A 19-year-old woman was leaving her apartment on Monday afternoon when a man, who looked dirty and possibly homeless approached her and firmly grabbed her arm. She pulled away, but the man then grabbed her from behind. The girl struggled, kicked the man and then ran to her car and locked herself inside. The man never said anything to her but banged on her car window until the woman drove away. Provo police are looking for the man and have a composite sketch of him.

the reason i’m mad is because this happened at my apartment complex. i also had an encounter with a dirty vagrant near my apartment. (and i’m not talking about juan melara, the roommate to whom i kindly lent my car, and who then wrecked it and refused to pay for it.) as i got into my car one evening, i was approached by a disheveled, smelly, drunk (or otherwise inebriated) foreigner. he was non-threatening, if you don’t count the smell. he seemed to want money, although i am not quite sure of this. his most urgent desire was for me to see his wooden leg. i am not kidding.

[listen to my reenactment of his invitation to see the wooden leg–click here]

i told him i thought i’d be okay without seeing it, and that he could keep his pants on. as i drove away, i saw him stumble a few feet further down the sidewalk, only to start up a conversation with a seedling tree.

i don’t recall my friend with the wooden leg looking like the PPD composite sketch. so, if the drawing is accurate, then it appears these two different incidents are completely unrelated. that is, unless we’re talking about INS failures and america’s namby-pamby approach to fighting illegal immigration. i have a hunch that these unpleasant encounters might be related in that way.

UPDATE #2: on one occasion, the wife was taking trash out to the dumpster. she tossed one bag in, and bent down to get another. as she did so, a creepy, old mexican–passing by on the sidewalk–stopped, stared, and stated, “that‘s what i’m talking about!”

[click here for the audio version]

i’m telling you, there’s never a dull moment in our neighborhood–and there may never be–as long as the dregs of mexican society continue to enter our country by the hundreds of thousands per year!

4 Responses to “mothereffer, i will kill you”

  1. al

    That is a great accent! Did you talk to him at all in Spanish? I am sometimes a little wary about revealing too much in situations like that. Sometimes by not blurting out how you know another language you can sit back and listen to others talk about you… then as you go you turn to them and thank them for their kind comments and wish them a nice day.

  2. travis

    honestly, i didn’t even consider speaking spanish to him. i’m not sure we could have carried on a meaningful conversation in ANY language.

    as for letting people talk about me…i have always wished that would happen, but i think most utah latinos are on to us and understand there’s about a 50/50 chance that a white twentysomething in the vicinity will know exactly what they’re saying.

  3. kms

    If you’re tired of Mexicans coming into our country, how do you feel about W letting illegal aliens in CA get driver’s licenses? What the hell is he thinking? Oh that’s right, I bet Jesus told him to do it just like Jesus told W to invade Iraq. Okay – is that better or worse than Nancy Reagan and her psychic?

    PS – nothing wrong with believing in Jesus, but I doubt he would ever condone invading another country under false pretenses.

  4. travis

    the previous comment makes so little sense, has so little basis in fact, and has such a cheesy tone that i feel strongly that i should just delete it. but since kms mentions a few people i’ve heard of before–like nancy reagan and jesus–i’ll let it stand. and respond, of course.

    when has president bush ever said that JESUS TOLD HIM to invade iraq? please PLEASE PUH-LEEZE find that quotation for me.

    and what is this new revelation about nancy reagan and the psychic? were you reading your old 1983 copy of the national enquirer again, grampa?

    i’m not up-to-date on president bush’s plans for granting illegal aliens drivers’ licenses. i heard about his proposed amnesty to illegals, and i think it’s wrong. i know a lot of states have (for a long time) floated the idea of giving drivers’ licenses to illegal immigrants. i think it’s wrong. the change needs to be made from a law enforcement standpoint. currently, if i’m pulled over for speeding, i may also be cited or arrested for a myriad of other–unrelated–offenses. i may be taken in for having an unlicensed firearm, for possessing illegal drugs, for unpaid parking tickets…whatever. but ironically, some states prohibit that same cop from inquiring about a person’s citizenship status. no kidding. basically, the only place immigration laws are allowed to be enforced is at the border.

    president bush and gigolo john kerry are both soft on this issue because they don’t want to lose the hispanic vote.

    the unstated point of your garbled comment appears to be “if you want illegal immigration stoppped, and president bush supports initiatives that may encourage it, then why do you support him, you mind-numbed, can’t-think-for-himself, republican automaton?”

    (fortunately for you, i’m studying for the LSAT, and thus i have been trained to pick out these types of things in order to make sense of completely senseless statements).

    the answer to your unstated question is: there are more issues at the forefront of this election than this one, bucko.

    and finally you inquire about the liberation of the iraqi people and question whether jesus would have done it. this is a favorite inquiry of people like you, who’ve probably never read the new testament, but like to tell followers of christ what christ really would have done in virtually every modern political scenario.

    of course, none of us (except perhaps this guy) is perfectly guided by god. none of us, therefore, knows exactly what god would do in every situation, considering all the variables. but i’d bet an outback steak that you are not qualified to even venture a guess as to what jesus christ would have done with regards to the iraqi people and saddam hussein.