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we still remember mitch hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Aug 27th 2009

Obama Footnotes

President Obama is accusing his opponents of lying and creating myths about the health care bills in Congress. But Obama, himself, has been caught lying about the legislation, lying about his motivations for the legislation, and lying about whether he has changed his position with respect to the legislation in several glaring instances.

(I do not want single payer)
(I never wanted single payer)
(The public option will not lead to single payer)
(There are no death panels)
(There will be no coverage for illegal immigrants)
(There will not be tax-subsidized abortion coverage)
(I have always been clear)
(This has always been my position)

What would Obama’s academic footnotes look like, if he provided them for a speech or statement? Probably like this:

1. As I have always said.

2. Ibid.

3. Ibid.

4. Let me be clear: I’m tellin’ ya, man.

5. Op cit.

6. Some professor I knew at Columbia said this to me during a fondue-and-blow party hosted by one of Bernie’s old friends from the German Red Army Brigade. At least I think he said it. I was pretty wired and also tripping a little on laced pot so most of the time I was concentrating on his second, evil head, which was trying to hypnotize me with its spider-eyes. But I’m pretty sure.

7. Dreams of My Father, pg. 72, by Bill Ayers.

8. As I have always said.

9. Ibid.

10. See The New York Times, Obama Vows Public Option Not Single-Payer Scheme. That’s the New York Times saying so. Check. Mate.

11. As I have always said.

12. See my monograph, Apes Eat Figs.

13. Let me be clear: This is on no lesser authority than the good Rev. Jeremiah Wright. I am told by a third party he said so, but I honestly cannot vouch for it myself, as I never heard a single word he said as I sat in his pews for 20 years. Usually I was having flashbacks to Evil Spider Face.

14. As I have aways said.

15. As I have long maintained.

15. Op cit.

16. To even discuss the evidence for this statement would be a distraction from the important issues facing us.

17. Ibid.

18. Ibid.

19. The CBO is full of crap. As I have always said.

20. Shut up, that’s why.

by Ace

Previously:
How to Know When President Obama is Flip-Flopping
Obama’s Kindergarden Candidacy

See also:
How to write your own Obama speech: A step-by-step guide

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